I've always been an old soul. Now I'm slowly realizing that my "old soul" is a kindred spirit with what is now known as the "Wine Mom" Culture. My friends call me "Mom" (or grandma, on some occasions) and, for the longest time, I wasn't sure exactly why.
Well, my friends, you'll be happy to know I've figured it out. I have analyzed, extrapolated, and sleuthed my way to determining the characteristics I, (and possibly many others), possess that make them 18 going on 48, to put it simply.
1. Your purse rivals Mary Poppins.
If your friends had to bring one item with them on a desert Island, it would be your purse. With its contents, they could signal NASA with your brightly-colored lipsticks, build a raft of pens stolen from bank counters and sustain themselves on tic-tacs and three flavors of gum for about a month.
Every need is countered with options.
Chapstick? Cherry or medicated?
Tissues? One-ply or two?
Oreos? Single or double stuff? (You always have snacks.)
You usually carry an obscene amount of god-knows-what with you at all times. It’s a portable drugstore, hardware store, grocery store, library, and receipt graveyard that is very handy.
2. Coupons.
Wherever you go, you have a coupon. Grocery shopping, restaurants, even hair appointments. Everyone knows that when you open your mom wallet, which, by nature, is accordion-style and probably as big as your purse, Sh*t is about to go down.
Because after you unearth that TGI Friday's coupon that lies between the three Bass Pro Shop rewards cards (even though you haven’t gone camping since that one time you pitched tents in the backyard as Daisy Scouts), you will spend 10 minutes negotiating a discount with the poor server because that coupon expired three months ago. Eventually after several exasperated sighs from all parties involved, the third appetizer was indeed free, even though the offer expired last March.
When this story is told again later, you maintain you got really crazy on that girls’ night out.
3. Craft stores get you excited.
Craft stores are where all your dreams come true. Mod podge, yarn and mason jars all in the same place.
It's like a Pinterest board threw up. It makes you so excited you might just throw up. (Glitter, that is. 3 for $5 with your snazzy coupons, and a free closet organizer.)
There is nothing better, except when there's puffy paint.
4. You call people dear, honey or sweetheart.
Sometimes you mean it casually, as a true term of endearment. Or you're being wholly condescending. Either way, you hope to kill with kindness. Or be kind and refer to them as "darling", and then watch like a dozen "CSI" episodes back to back, and plot how to get away with actually killing them.
5. You’re always trying to feed people.
Christmas cookies, casseroles or that darling recipe Susan shared on Facebook. Especially those time-lapse ones that always end up just so good and are always somehow animal shaped.
6. Home decor is your jam.
Pier 1, Pottery Barn, Bed Bath and Beyond. What do these all have in common?
They make your heart sing, that's what.
7. A deep love for Johnny Depp.
Enough said.
When you've finally come to the realization that you identify with more than half of this article, sit back with your pomegranate juice cleanse and watch those (shameful) Hallmark movies. Realize you are wise at heart, like your mother and those before you. Embrace the wine-mom culture knowing you're lucky enough to have the choice to do so, being raised by women as strong as you are.
