In January 2012, I first tried self-harm. It was probably one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made. Even though I only did it once or twice, it settled in the back of my mind as a “last resort” sort of thing. I told myself it wouldn’t happen again, and it didn’t for awhile.
That while lasted about 11 months.
I became very anxious that summer. I couldn’t talk to people, look people in the eye, or eat in public without feeling frightened. The more scared I became, the sadder I became. As I spiraled downward, I looked for an emotional release. In December, I unleashed the monster I’d been keeping in a little box toward the back of my brain.
I told myself that I’d do it a few times, wait for life to get better, then put it away just like I had earlier in the year.
Well, things didn’t go according to plan. Self-harm doesn’t work like that. I’d tell myself to stop, but it became harder and harder to withstand the urges. Each time I’d do it, I’d have to hurt myself more to have the same effect. That’s the thing with self-harm: at least for me, it never seemed enough. The emotional release was never real. It was just like corn syrup — I would indulge, and then feel the crash and craving for more.
That’s exactly how it was. I’d promise myself “just this one time, then I’ll stop,” do it, then feel horrible until I did it again.
Then I became emotionally dead. I had started out feeling sad and dreadful all the time, so I used self-harm to numb myself. It soon became a way for me to attempt feeling--something, anything, even pain. Feelings were few and far between. Once in a while, a feeling would flutter by, and then I’d just go back to the same old monotonous haze. Self-harm pretty much consumed my life. When I wasn’t doing it, I was thinking about it.
How do you react to someone in this situation? The best thing to do is to just be there. Listen. Try to understand. Here's how NOT to react:
1. “Oh, I’ve seen worse.”
When I’d hear that said to me, whether about the self-harm or another issue, it was basically the same as being told that none of my problems mattered and I had no reason to feel the way I was feeling. A common misconception is that the severity of the wound reflects the depth of the problem. In truth, the fact that someone is to the point of inflicting harm on themselves is serious enough, so the severity of the wound is irrelevant.
2. “Just don’t do it again.”
Hurting oneself isn’t like drawing on the wall with crayon or making a mess in the kitchen. It’s not something you can absolutely promise all at once to never do again.
3. “Your life is fine, and there’s no reason to be doing this.”
Is there always a reason for feeling depressed? No. Just because someone is rich, privileged, has an intact family, or all of the above doesn’t mean they can’t be going through a difficult time. Everyone goes through difficult times.
4. “Stop trying to get attention.”
That’s not what self-harm Self-harm usually isn’t even something people really want to talk about.
5. “Cover them up!”
That’s telling the person that they’re to be ashamed of themselves. If that person is choosing to wear short sleeves, short pants, or short whatevers, I say good on them! That is their decision, and if it makes them feel more comfortable or more accepting of themselves, I’m all for it.
6. “Show me the scars!”
Unless you are a medical professional, or you have a valid reason to see them that doesn’t involve your own morbid curiosity, avoid saying this. It only creates more shame and anxiety in the self-harmer.
* * *
Things were pretty bad for me. I had completely given up--on hope, on love, on everything. What really turned me around was my hospitalization in 9th grade. After struggling with self-harm and my mental health for several years, I required an intervention.
Things started turning around. I had to make a conscious decision every day not to hurt myself. It was hell, in a way–but a beneficial hell, a necessary hell. I was so close some days, but I forced myself not to. I’d dig my nails into a pillow, throw rocks in a stream, and often just lay on my bedroom floor and scream.
But I walked through the hell, and I can go to bed proud of my accomplishment.
It’s a hell that I believe everyone can walk through. Don’t ever think you’re too weak or too far gone. You are battered and worn-out, you are hurt, but you are not a lost cause. I challenge you to go the rest of the day without harming yourself. Just try one day and focus on that day alone. Then try another. And another. If you stumble, get back up and just try another day.
That’s what I had to do — just take it day by day by day by day.
Get help from a professional who knows what they're doing because self-harm is a serious issue that can get worse if not addressed. Recovery is tedious, hard, frustrating, and even stupid-sounding at times, but it is so worth it. You are capable.
