Meet Rob, Janice, and Matt. The three are colleagues at a big city corporation focused on making the most money while they each do the least amount of work. With this, the three have a lot of time on their hands to stir up drama with one another for literally no reason.
On a casual Friday when everyone else in the office was having fun, Rob, Janice, and Matt had just come back lunch. They were just chilling, cracking some jokes, and talking about the Chipotle they just crushed. Then the conversation shifted towards the dinner party they were tri-planning at Janice’s that Saturday night.
For some reason, the three tasked Matt with preparing the evening’s menu. This was a big mistake, as it was public knowledge that Matt had minimal culinary expertise. He had listed a simple chicken Florentine with black truffle parmesan risotto paired with a 2005 Lechthaler Trentino Pinot Nero.
Rob and Janice turned to one another.
“Should we tell him that the Hermann J. Wiemer 2015 HJW Vineyard Riesling would pair so much better with the Florentine?” Janice asked.
“First we need to ask where he bought all of the ingredients for the meal,” Rob replied. “Remember how he went to Costco the last time he made a meal for us?”
“That’s a good point.”
The two turned back to Matt, and Rob asked where Matt had gone grocery shopping.
“Stop and Sh-”
Rob and Janice groaned quite dramatically, far more dramatically than the situation called for.
“What? What is the problem with Stop and Shop?”
“We told you last time, Matt. Stop and Shop just isn’t up to our standards,” Janice replied calmly.
“Let me ask you something,” said Rob as Matt stood up to scratch the back of his thigh. “Is the chicken you bought organic, non-GMO, free range, grass fed, cruelty-free, cage-free, given a good education, deeply loved, and humanely killed as the butcher sang an acoustic rendition of "Careless Whisper"? Because that’s the chicken that they carry at Whole Foods. That's the kind of chicken we expected for this dinner party."
“I’m just- I just- I didn’t realize-”
“YOU ALWAYS DO THIS, MATT! You always take our quaint dinner parties and make them plebeian meal festivals! Do you know how this reflects on us??”
Meanwhile, literally everywhere else in the office, no one was having a problem with each other or with anything at all.
“You will go to Whole Foods immediately after work today and you will buy ingredients that are up to our standards, or so help me I will have you fired by Monday!”
“But you’re not my boss!”
“I am the boss of this friend group, Matthew. There is no way you can deny that.” It was true, in fact, that Rob functioned as a sort of group leader, so Matt really couldn’t fight against him anymore.
“I understand. I’ll never let this happen again,” said Matt.
“Good,” said Janice. “Now let’s go practice our big number!”
With that, Rob, Janice, and Matt all stood up and began to practice their dance routine.
