Ah, New York City- the ultimate potluck. Stroll down an ungentrified street (if you can find one) in Manhattan and you’ll find a diversity of race, creed, and sexuality. Mhm, New York City is where the LGBTQ+ community flocks, due to it’s free and liberal agenda. As a bisexual woman, I definitely consider it my Nirvana.
Naturally, as a member of the LGBTQ+ community, the majority of my friends belong to this sexy community; in fact, one of them is my roommate. My roommate, who shall remain nameless, is a beautiful 20-year-old twink with svelte curves and an affinity for Logo tv-shows. He is also brilliant; his sharp-wit compliments his irreverent vernacular.
Being his roommate, I am constantly basking in his brilliance. Consequently, I feel selfish for withholding his gay treasures from society, which is unlike me, for, as my most recent lover pointed out, I’m a giver.
So, I present you all with, “Shit My Gay Roommate Says”
1. On popular culture
“Katy Perry really thinks she can profit off of being a lesbian without actually being a lesbian. Screw her.”
“When will the world finally get the gay Kardashian it so desperately needs?”
“I hate when people ask if a pop star can actually sing. Like, Trump can’t actually lead but y’all still voted for him. Leave Ke$ha ALONE.”
2. On politics
“Tomi Lahren is my least favorite fifth harmony member.”
“Someone should really just be like, Melania, blink twice if you need help."
“Ivanka Trump is more like the 2006 version of hot.”
3. On friendship
“If she wasn’t a lesbian with short hair, I would hate her.”
“She’s not ugly, it’s just the hair.”
4. On cuisine
“Coffee does the exact same thing to me as an enema, but at least it tastes good.”
“No, I can’t go to Taco Bell, I have a date tonight.”
“Chateau Diana it is. Trash.”
5. On online dating
“I’m so glad Seeking Arrangements lists guys net worth on their profile. I always hated asking that on the first date.”
“One time I asked for a face pic on Grindr and the guy sent me a picture of him carrying a body bag.”
6. On men
“If it’s less than five inches, it’s not going on my foot or in my mouth."
“I hate skateboarder guys. They all think they’re the next Tony Hawking.”
“I really need to grow hair or muscles soon. Twink does not look good past 30.”
“He could be a bear, but he’s too young. He’s a cub.”
7. On the gay experience
“My mom never let any of her kids have opposite sex sleepovers. Jokes on her!”
“One time in 7th grade, my teacher accused me of making a homophobic joke. I was just talking about my weekend.”
“My Mom told our Church I was gay, hoping for like a youth group or something, but they just sent her pamphlets on ‘Coping with a Molested Child.’”
“This guy followed me off the subway today. But I wasn’t scared, he was wearing an infinity scarf.”
“I was so gay growing up, I didn’t even come out. My parents told me I was gay.”
*points to building* “I got my ass eaten there.”
8. His response to this article
"Ugh yes, I can pull like 20 Grindr bios from this."
