Assuming you already got him home, you little schmoozer you, this list will help you get a legume up on Mr. Peanut. I heard he's a grower AND a show-er. Lucky you!
Do NOT Take Off His Top Hat
This is so important. It is the source of his power. Would you take the unearned sense of confidence away from a white man? No! He takes pride in his top hat, and claims it is his good luck charm.
Get All The Salt Off
If the lead up is good enough, this will happen naturally. However, sometimes he likes to skimp on the foreplay. Tell him you want to give him a massage or take shower together. If you don't this could lead to a nasty UTI or unbelievably high cholesterol levels.
Assume The Position
His body weighs a LOT and those wittle arms can't hold all of it up. Looks like you are going to have to be on top this time. Refreshing, isn't it?
Prepare For His Dirty Talk
Top choices include "SPREAD those legs," You like that, honey..roasted," and "Can I put it in your butt-er?" It's not hot at all but it keeps him going. And don't even think about talking back. He thinks he is the only one who can do it. He will get jelly.
The Big Moment Is Coming
The more out of breath he gets, the closer he is to finishing. Why do you think he has a cane? When he is about to cum, he says "I'mma nut! I'mma nut!" Like, we know, dude. Just hurry up.
All Done!
Wasn't that fun? Now go get some Plan P so a little garden doesn't start inside of you. We can't have that. Not again...
Congrats! You made it with a celeb! And a finely dressed one at that. By the way, this list only works for Original Mr. Peanut. If he shows up Honey Roasted, get the fuck out.
