"The beginning of loving myself was the end of loving someone who didn't love me enough." I still love you, but not the way I use to. I still love you but I love me more. "It's time to love yourself" my Mother whispered to me as I cried my soul out for a week straight after you left. "What makes you happy?" she asked. "The way his eyes looked at me through a crowded room, as if it was only me and him", I thought to myself. "Nothing." trembled out of my mouth instead.
No, I am not a mess because of a break up. My heart is more concerned on the idea that somebody could hurt someone so easily. Acting as if I meant nothing to you. Like I never made you mile. No I'm not heart broken because a boy didn't keep his promise to always be there. More so in pieces because what did I do to deserve so much hurt? Karma? I doubt it, my heart is too big for karma to be kicking my emotional ass to the ground. The endless "why" questions never seem to stop, but the answers never do either. Maybe it takes a little longer for the reason in "everything happens for a reason" to come around, but time heals all. Maybe it wasn't the look you use to give me that eased my soul, but merely the idea that somebody was finally looking. Not just a glance but a deep look, the kind that sends goosebumps up your spine. I want to be able to give myself that look in the mirror. I want to be able to feel so good about myself as a whole without any type of recognition.
Self love is the new move, join the wave. Any type of mental health "work" needs to be a daily practice. Of course there are good days, but what you need to train yourself for are the bad days. Loving yourself on your worst day is the least of your worries. Your brain is fixated on whatever triggered you into thinking your heart is wrong for what it feels. As tears run down your face, you are the only one that needs to be strong enough to pull yourself together and take a breath. Give yourself some love, remind yourself you are the one calming yourself down. You do not need anybody else for your emotional wellbeing other than you. Love yourself first. Put as much energy into what makes you feel calm and content like you would when you sulk and find it easier to stay there.
No one said it was going to be easy. I'm sure you've heard that one too many times, but guess what it's true. It's hard work, waking up and making the decision to not let anything phase your positive mindset. Not only that but then worrying about your own thoughts that might ruin the day. Love is more than relationships with others, it stems from your soul, that you and only you can take care of. Remind yourself what you are worth. Do not let anyone knock down the walls you built out of love for yourself. But do not be bitter and not allow anyone to see what you are made of. Your significant other is suppose to compliment you not complete you. All the little things, the things that make you giggle. The things that make you sob, those things that make your blood boil, and of course the things that make your heart stop. Let them see these little things in a longer period of time. All those "things" are not things, they are feelings. Emotions that might be stemming from them or from your inner self. Learning to control your emotions, and knowing the difference between your rational and irrational state of mind is very important.
Sometimes we tend to act of the quickest emotion shown to us physically. You see a girl crying, you assume she is sad. Really she is angry. Anger is our secondary emotion we do not always act of that because it is difficult for our conscious to understand what we are really upset about. Our subconscious creeps out a little bit after the fact, after all the tears and bullshit. You will find our primary feeling, hurt that something made you this sad. Same thing goes for our happiness. Spend some time when you are "losing your mind" to reflect and find where your focus is truly at. What are you really worried about? What makes you feel better? How do you get yourself to that happy place? What makes your soul feel at ease? The questions are endless, but it is up to how much you love yourself to question the questions.
xoxo, T
