It's funny that on one hand I can be such an outgoing and opinionated person but on the other be super self-critical and anxious. You just don't typically group those two sets of traits together. Depending on what I'm doing or who I am dealing with truly determines what set of traits I am going to exude at that moment. Unfortunately, my more negative traits can make certain things in life, like writing, more difficult for me to manage.
Writing these articles has brought me so much joy and frustration. One moment, I am being applauded by family, friends, and people I have barely even talked to about how wonderful and important the messages from my articles have been. Yet, a week later I put all of my efforts into writing something else and literally wait for the views to start piling up but nothing happens.
These differing waves of responses to my writing has caused major waves in how I look at my own writing and has messed with my overall mood each week. I am constantly trying to learn from the last article that flopped and do something different or more towards an article that was successful. Yet, that doesn't always get me anywhere. Sometimes I feel like I pour out my personal feelings and opinions so much on here and it literally feels like either nobody hears me or cares. Yes, I know that it the reality of life and just being a writer in general, but it really is disappointing and disheartening.
While I don't necessarily want to be a writer for a living, I absolutely dream about being a speaker or advocate for certain problems that I really care about. I would be so happy to fight for bettering our education, reducing poverty, improving our biodiversity, and mitigating climate change. However, the reception that I have been getting here has been so mixed that it sort of makes me question my capabilities of being a communicator at all.
That said, I know I am being a bit dramatic. I have to at least acknowledge that many people have told me in the past that I am a very wonderful and passionate speaker, which gives me some comfort. However, there is just not many people out there who become successful solely through speaking and I don't even really know how to start getting into that. Should I try starting a Youtube channel or perhaps a podcast? Should I do something else entirely?
All I know is that something needs to change, whether that is my method of communicating to the public or even my style of writing. I don't feel like I am developing and I absolutely need to have that feeling to maintain my own personal happiness. Yet, I am not going to sacrifice sharing the content that I feel is worth being put out into the world, just for more views. Maybe I just need to make myself learn how to fake it until I make it and someday I will get the recognition that I want.