I never thought that I was any good at singing.

When I was growing up, my family always mocked my singing. They always told me that I was really terrible, and that I should seriously stop.

But I loved singing so much that I sang even more, only in secret, when no one else was around.

Bit by bit, I started to let other people hear me sing, just casually, and by joining my church's praise team. People were actually telling me that I was good, and that I should sing more. I was more than delighted, and probably let it get to my head a little too much.

I started to be more public about my singing, trying out for Select Chorus, singing at talent shows and senior banquets, and posting YouTube videos. By that time, enough people had encouraged me to keep singing, telling me that I had talent, that a part of me started to believe them.

Eventually, I was asked to audition at a Korean singing survival program (the equivalent of X Factor when it was really popular). Twice. I am now generally acknowledged as a "good singer" by most people who hear me sing.

But singing in front of people is still hard for me.

Partly because I am never satisfied with anything that I do.

That’s why I rarely post, and when I do, it’s not because I’m satisfied that my project is good enough, but rather that I’m past the point of caring. Once I think too much about it, I get extremely stressed and self-deprecative until all the fun and joy and catharsis that singing brings me disappears.

When I read the parable of the servants and the talents in Matthew 25:14-30, I thought, God doesn’t want us to waste our gifts and talents that He has given us. Since so many people are telling me that I’m good at singing, maybe singing really is a gift that God has given me.

What would I do if I were good at singing, and I just kept it to myself? What would be the purpose of that?

That’s why I started to post, even though I ALWAYS regret it, at least to some extent, afterwards. Because my singing is not perfect. And it obviously never will be. And I hate displaying something that’s not perfect for the whole world to see and judge.

Because it reflects a lot of my flaws.

Because it’s really personal and close to my heart.

Because when I sing, I’m really singing from the heart about my own thoughts, emotions, and experiences, and being criticized about my singing, even if it’s well-meant and concerning the technicalities, makes a part of me want to run and hide and never make myself vulnerable to anyone ever again.

There’s also a pretty significant part of me that just can’t help thinking, ‘Who do you think you are, posting your singing in public? Do you think anyone will want to hear you? You’re wasting people’s time.’

But if my singing, even though flawed and imperfect, can make one person feel happy, or that he or she isn't alone, or provide a shoulder someone can cry on, then I want to sing for other people, not just me.

Yes, singing lets me pour out my often-suppressed emotions and thoughts in relatively “safer” ways, and brings me a sense of catharsis and relief.

But really, what is the point if I just sing for myself?

What is the point of anything if I do it just for myself?

And before I tear myself down, how would I know if anyone can or can’t be helped by my singing, if I never sing publicly? If it’s not there to begin with, then there’s absolutely no possible way for my singing to ever help anyone.

But if it is out there, there’s a slight chance that it might.

So even though it hurts to sing publicly sometimes, even though it’s risky, and I can’t stop my perfectionistic, obsessive thinking, I want to keep singing in public.

I want to sing for anyone and everyone who might need to hear it.