The real murder, mayhem, and madness of Tiger King is with regards to our sanity. At this point, there are basically only two types of people in this world: people who won't shut up about Tiger King, and people who won't shut up about refusing to watch Tiger King. Lucky for you, reader, I am the latter. And because I care about your wellbeing, I present to you a list of 10 things you can do instead of watching Tiger King (intended for audience 21+).
Do a power hour with your pals.
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What is a power hour, you might ask? Urban Dictionary defines Power Hour as "An hour in which you drink 60 beer shots, one per minute." There are plenty of resources on Youtube for power hour playlists, which keep track of the timer while you get hammered. By the end of your power hour session, make sure you don't feel compelled to turn on the enemy docuseries.
Prank your mom by calling her to tell her your phone is lost/stolen.
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This is for those of you with gullible moms. Have a friend record you while you call your mom from your phone. Tell your mom your phone has been lost/stolen, using a story you know your mom would believe. See how long you can carry it on and share the video on social media (it's a huge trend on Tik Tok right now). By the end of the experience, you will have refrained from at least one episode of Tiger King.
Start that passion project.
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Two hours invested in Carole Baskin could be two hours of writing, performing, creating an online store, or researching side hustles of your dreams. Carole Baskin seems to be a B***, so why let her suck the soul out of you by giving her your precious time? Get out there and own your sh***.
Create a drinking game based on your friends who won't shut up about Tiger King.
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Everywhere you turn, Tiger King references are there. Your friends just can't help but share a Joe Exotic meme. Group messages have been infiltrated with discussions about the show. You have heard enough about Tiger King to know you should avoid watching the show at all costs, but you may not be able to avoid the references. If that's the case, you might as well drink every time you hear or see a friend mention Tiger King, Joe Exotic, or Carole Baskin.
Mop your floors.
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If you're reading this right now, you care so much about avoiding Tiger King that you're probably avoiding the White Claw cans you left on your counter three days ago, and you should do something about it. I guarantee you tend to put things off, so go mop your floors and wipe your counters down while you're here.
Revamp your playlists.
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You still have songs from 2015 that you consistently skip. You listen to new music when your hands are occupied so you can't add them to you playlist. Every time a friend gets in the car with you, your phone can't decide what mood it wants to set. Stop that nonsense. Sit down and delete the irrelevant fluff. Update your songs. The mood of every gathering depends on your efforts. Send me your bangers so I can blast them at my next party!
Bake a chicken.
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Imagine how much time it takes to find the remote shoved between your couch cushions, scroll through your apps to find Netflix, find Tiger King, and press play. It takes the SAME amount of effort to throw some oil, salt, pepper, garlic and herbs on some chicken and throw it in the oven. TREAT YOURSELF.
Paint a wall so you can watch it dry.
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This will eat up the time you would otherwise spend watching Tiger King and listening to people obsess over Tiger King, while making your room look fresh. Watching your new masterpiece is basically the same as watching Tiger King, anyway.
Look up weird, outdated phrases and try to use them on old people.
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Okay, this one was just inspired by #8. If you don't know the expression "it's like watching paint dry," then you need to look it up, along with other obsolete, yet widely used, phrases. I think it would be hilarious to try to use them out of context around boomers, and see how they react. Tag me in your Instagram and Tik Tok videos!
Call your family and tell them you love them.
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Don't forget to channel your energy toward the things that really matter! It will make you a better person. Plus, there is always at least one family member who is more entertaining than any TV show.
What do you do instead of watching Tiger King? Share your ideas with me and I'll try them out! I'm @kaehlamaurer on all social media.
