Disclaimer: I have never read any of the “50 Shades” books, or even seen the first movie.

On Valentine’s Day my recently-dumped, lonely self was bitterly eating Gardetto’s in bed when one of my friends asked if I wanted to see “50 Shades Darker,” and at that point, who was I to refuse? So I shelled out the $6 on a ticket and $5 on a chocolate-Oreo shake from Steak & Shake, and these are my thoughts on the whole experience.

The movie started out with Anastasia Steele, played tolerably by Dakota Johnson, going to her job and flirting with her semi-hot boss. Then she goes to an art show held by her creepy friend, who, without asking her, displayed a bunch of pictures of her that look like they were taken at JCPenney. When he excitedly tells her that someone just bought all of the pictures of her, she immediately knows who did it, and the camera goes to #him, Christian Grey. He then demands she goes to dinner with him and she says the best line of the film: “Fine. I’ll go to dinner with you. Because I’m…. hungry.” Aren’t we all?

The plot sort of just chugs along predictably, and there was significantly less sex than I had been under the impression that there would be. At some point, we’re introduced to Christian’s “Mrs. Robinson”, the woman who apparently seduced him when he was 15. I was hoping for some flashbacks or literally anything to make this potentially interesting plot point better, but there was nothing, just Anastasia throwing a glass of Welch’s Sparkling Grape Juice in her face.

**SPOILER** The absolute worst part of the movie was when Christian inexplicably crashes his helicopter into a forest. His mom, friends, and Anastasia all gather at his apartment and watch the news coverage of the search for him and his coworker on his giant TV. Then, in the middle of the broadcast, Christian just shows up NBD, totally fine. Everyone hugs him because for some reason, people actually enjoy his company (maybe just because he’s hot???) and then he shrugs them all off because he has to go talk to “his girl”. Out of all the things a 14-year-old would call relationship goals, that had to be the worst. It reminded me of that one story where a girl goes in for heart surgery, and when she wakes up, she asks for her boyfriend, and her dad is like “Who do you think gave you the heart?” Like, maybe someone flesh-and-blood related?? Or an organ donor??????

Ultimately, I would give this movie a 2 out of 5. It passed the time and momentarily made me forget about how depressing it was that I was spending Valentine’s Day surrounded by other equally-as-single girls in a grimy movie theater, and at times it was so bad that its badness was entertaining. Better than texting your ex, worse than "Jersey Shore."