So If you've been reading my self faux-interviews "Interview on a Warm, rainy night," and "Interview at a Bar in Kutztown," then you know I've been dating someone for the past 3 months now. And things are going great! But we keep running into this problem.

Every time we go out to eat any restaurant, while we wait for food and when we're chatting, I like to reach over and grab her legs. No! I'm not groping her in the middle of the restaurant! I'm a class act! But she has nice legs, and I'm a leg guy, so I like to reach over and rub her leg, in a very innocent, very appropriate for public kind of way.

But here's the problem, I can never reach her legs! It seems there is some conspiracy going on in the very real, dark world of table design. I'm 5'7 and a half, and yes, that half matters! If you've read one of my first articles, "I, Lord Commander? Sadly, No..." you know I've gone into length about my height. Unfortunately, I am shorter than the average male, but I'm not so small as to not be able to reach across beneath the table.

And I really bend into it. My shoulders are touching the table as I lean forward!

With that you might be thinking, she must be really short. She's about 5'4". So there is enough height between the two of us, where this issue shouldn't even exist. And yet here I am, my hands completely void of her legs.

Ruby Tuesday upload.wikimedia.org

I first noticed this problem after we started getting a little serious, and it was okay for me to touch her leg without seeming like a perv. And I thought, maybe it was just this particular restaurant we mistakenly decided to dine in. But then it happened again... and again. And then finally, this past Saturday, we went to the "Ruby Tuesday" by her house, and guess who's legs I couldn't reach? Her's! And we were at a smaller booth!

"The Rolling Stones," said it best... goodbye Ruby Tuesday, I'm never eating at this establishment again! Screw you and your salad bar!

Ruby Tuesdaywww.youtube.com

And at that point, I had enough. Every time we go out to eat, I can't reach her legs. So I've come to the only logical conclusion there is... Some jack ass designing these tables is intentionally making them just a touch too long so that guys can't reach over and be affectionate towards their girlfriends. Well, that is just sick.

I feel like it's time to take on a vision quest of sorts, to find the sick bastard who is responsible. I'm not sure how to begin this investigation, but I think it is a worthy cause to begin reporting on. With that, my next several articles are going to revolve around taking down the underground of big table design making!

Obviously, I'm kidding. I'm not going to take a deep dive into this (despite how frustrating a circumstance it may be and how desperately I may want to!). But it should be addressed. I fancy myself a social warrior in this subject, and will personally act as the voice of those who have none.

Is it really too much to ask? For tables to be a normal length, so that one may reach across and rub his girlfriend's legs? I don't think it is. In fact, I think it is something that is quite reasonable. I mean, they make seats adjustable for cars, so that one can reach the pedals while driving. That was a pretty smart move on the designers part. So thus I ask, why the same ingenuity hasn't been applied to the table designs in restaurants? And the same problem occurs in diners too.

Realistically, a shorter table would be better for the environment, because less wood would be used. So really, everyone wins. I win, cause then I get to touch my girl's legs, and the world wins, because the tables are being made with a greater conscious for the environment. That is a cause; we can all get behind! Moreover, smaller tables mean room for more tables, thus more seating and more money. More money is always a good thing.

I've been trying to wrap my brain around this, but I've come to one simple conclusion. It sounds crazy... but crazy enough that it may just be true. We have a conspiracy on our hands. It is a conspiracy, and I don't know what could have caused something so tragic to occur. But I hope God has mercy on the soul of whoever decided to make these tables so long.