Living Irresponsibly In A World Of Responsibility

I am sure this title is eye-catching a wild. In reality, living like that is equally as eye-catching and wild.

"Here's the deal, Miss Bowen, your appointment was twenty minutes ago and we only allow for 15 minutes to be late. You'll have to come back at another time."

But this was my scheduled appointment that I organized around a month ago. And I have arrived within the hour. I did not miss the appointment. I am late, but I did not miss it and there is precisely one other individual in this waiting room at this time so I know it isn't because you are so jammed packed that you are unable to fit me in. This never really made sense to me. I understand the world has to operate in a certain way in order for it to function properly. But I have never understood why showing up a few minutes late was a big deal or why forgetting something had to be the end of the world. It simply isn't how I've ever rolled. At my clinic, you can show up hours late and we'll fit you in the best we can as opposed to turning you away from our exceedingly empty waiting room.

When I was in third grade, I had to sign the "oops book" over and over and over again. The "oops book" was a book that got signed every single time you forget your homework, spelling book, math book, etc. and that was a book that I found myself signing on the day. When it was signed three times, you had to sit out of recess. All I really ever did was sit out of recess it seemed. My life was a series of sitting out of recess.

Sitting out was brutal, but I have found that the adult world gives even less mercy. Being twenty minutes late for an appointment that you actually desperately need due to a medical condition you are experiencing (as well as lack of resources and well-equipped doctors due to the lack of liberal/like-minded doctors in the south) is a really brutal awakening. It is something that has sort of haunted me. I will never forget how disrespected I felt, as if I was not indeed, the patient voluntarily giving money and time to their facility and organization. I understand that I did not respect their time and in turn, I received no respect, but the feeling of blatant rejection, a betrayal of sorts was a strange sensation and enough to have me driving the thirty-minute ride home silently. It still sits with me and makes me nervous to return to that facility seeing as they even seemed to recall me from my last appointment around three months ago so I have certainty that I will be remembered with my next visit especially if that visit is in the near future (I'm talking scheduling an appointment a week from now.)

In general, I have been labeled as irresponsible quite often. Sometimes by myself and sometimes by others. This heir of irresponsibility that so many believe I am equipped with is exceedingly unhelpful when coupled with my exceedingly youthful looks, often having people mistake me as fifteen or fourteen years old. Even when dolling myself up, I always get informed I look like someone who just celebrated their sweet sixteen.

Maneuvering the adult world is difficult and disheartening. It is especially difficult and disheartening when you are someone like me who wants to get the job done, wants to get the appointments in order, and wants to get their results as quickly and efficiently as possible. These expectations have proved difficult with me. I find people who aren't willing to comply with me when I show up on time and have all my ducks in a row and I notice an angry disdain towards me when I show up frazzled, late, and anxious with a coke in my hand. Either way, it seems people like me are cursed.

We are cursed with irresponsibility or the impression of it even when we are trying our very hardest. I'm sorry I'm late. I'm sorry I forgot my stuff at home. I'm sorry I forgot. I'm sorry I'm unprepared. I'm sorry, I was planning on winging it. I am sorry I didn't remember. Overall, the list can go on forever. Adulting is hard and it becomes even harder when you are plagued with a flaw that doesn't decide to even acknowledge within themselves. Yes, I am irresponsible. But I am also young. I am also growing. And I am also deserving of being cut some serious, serious slack.

Please keep this in mind, next time you ask me to leave the appointment I made and make the silent drive home in my Honda. Thanks.