I’ve gone over this article multiple times and decided to analyze as the girl who never had a serious or long term relationship, but was around to observe many different ones. Being on the other side of the topics she describes gives me a different perspective on the issues and I’d like to discuss them by paragraph. Being on the other side makes me feel strongly about these things. Please understand I’m not writing to shame the author or anyone who agrees with her, its perspective as the “shamer,” which I admit to doing at times. But it isn’t shaming the relationship or happiness, it’s shaming being a bad friend to someone who was always there and doesn’t deserve to be thrown aside.
“As a girl, announcing that you're in a relationship with a new guy is like being set up for failure.” I agree that it is always harder on girls (as a double standard) but it’s because of the hardships girls face more than guys do. It’s not fair, but it’s them being protective because they don’t want the girl in the relationship to get hurt. It’s less likely in our society for that to happen to a guy so, friends and family aren’t as protective of them, in my observations.
“If I see a hilarious cat video, I'm going to send it to him.” A cat video can be sent to more than one person. There can be more than one person as a part of everyday life. There is always that chance a boyfriend/girlfriend won’t be a part of everyday life anymore, which is why there needs to be a healthy ties with friends and family. Who have been a part of your everyday life, and already earned a place in your life. When there is free time, hang out with the significant other. The next time, hang out with friends/family. In between, keep in touch with everyone and always make plans as you go so everyone feels included. It is reasonable to feel discluded by acting the way the author acts. It’s going to be harder, but the reward is totally worth it: not losing anyone.
“Although they do it because they love you and miss having you around, it still stings when they say things like…” The author admits to walking out of her friend’s lives. The rest of the paragraph is a complaint about not being included in plans. This is exactly what my friends and I did to someone in our friend group, and didn’t feel bad when we were asked, “Why wasn’t I invited?” “Because you weren’t there when we decided to go, you were with him. Because you probably wouldn’t leave him to hang out with us.” Because she dropped everything and ran for him, but never for us. My other friend with a long term boyfriend later discussed the situation with me and said, “A friend is different than a boyfriend.” Okay but why? “Why does he deserve more effort when I have always been there for her and never deserved to be thrown aside? She doesn’t deserve the same treatment when she’s barely making an effort anymore so I’m not feeling bad about not inviting her out.” The more someone says no or cancels for their significant other, the less their friends will see reason to invite them, until there isn’t a friendship anymore.
“The thing is, we're at the point in life where our significant others could very well end up being our husbands or wives.” True, but it’s also the point in our lives where things can drastically change our lives and affect the relationship, like moving for a job, continuing education, etc. This reason alone is why I choose to stay single in college, because I don’t know where I’ll be and I don’t want to run the risk of my relationship holding me back in my career and other dreams. I also don’t want to run the risk of a broken heart as a result of choosing to develop my career instead of doing what is correct for a relationship. Things like that can put the relationship at risk and possibly end it, which is why everyone who already earned a place should keep that place throughout the relationship.
“I refuse to feel bad for wanting to spend the bulk of my time with the person who makes me feel happiest…” I refuse to feel bad for not wanting to fight for a place in a friend’s life. I’ve experienced this and it hurts so much to know that the significant other just wandered into her life and took a place in it when I already earned a place. Now my place is barely existent because of the significant other and I have to fight for my place and it isn’t fair.
“Something often overlooked is when a couple is married, the shaming stops.” This is because they now have a lifelong commitment to each other, and because they usually live together. They need that time to do life together, but they also need friends outside the relationship. Some space in the relationship is healthy, regardless of status. You can obtain marital status without walking out of friend’s lives, I’ve seen it happen. I have one friend with a long term relationship that never got in between anyone. She preserved her friendships from before her relationship, made new friends during the relationship (like me) and I never had to fight for a place in her life. Balance is key, and like I said: it’s worth the extra work.
“Another common thing I don't think people realize is no one says this to the guy in the relationship.” I don’t believe this is true. I’m sure that if a guy’s friend (regardless of sex) walked out of his life and their whole world became their significant other, a guy would tell him how he feels: thrown aside and replaced, as any friend would. I can’t imagine anyone is okay with being thrown aside and replaced the way the author makes it sound. With that curiosity, I reached out to a fellow writer. The difference between guys and girls is how open it’s talked about. Guys talk about this issue in private with the guy, tell them their concerns, and occasionally make a few jabs here and there. Girls, in my opinion, are a lot more open and dramatic about it so it seems a lot more like “shaming.” -Payton Isner
“Are they simply sad they don't get to see their friend as much? Are they jealous? Do they dislike the boyfriend, even if they've said the opposite?” Yeah they’re sad that their friend is not around as much anymore and jealous that the significant other gets most of the time. What I feel strongly about is that friends are now fighting for a place in their life, when they didn’t have to before. Maybe they don’t like them either, could be personal, could be because it seems like the significant other doesn’t care about their feelings, as they feel about their friend. It simply isn’t fair and I don’t blame them for not wanting to fight anymore. No one should be fighting for a place in anyone’s life, because if they have to fight, it’s because they don’t matter as much. And that is what they feel when their friend suddenly isn’t with them that much anymore.“What I do know is that it's rare for a guy to tell a girl she's spending too much time with her boyfriend.” I don’t believe this is true. Because like I said before, I can’t imagine anyone is okay with being thrown aside and replaced.
“Instead of tearing each other down like girls all too often do, we should be building each other up.” I’m not going to build someone up who is throwing me aside. I’m not going to say, “Walk out of my life to be with them.” If someone’s my friend, I want them to stay my friend. That’s hard to do when they give me 10% of the 100% I give them. I’d hope that someone doesn’t keep treating them like the true friend they were before they got a significant other.
“My boyfriend is my rock.” I mentioned this before, but who’s gonna be the rock if you break up? Probably not who was left behind. That is what the author doesn’t acknowledge at all. Friends were there before the relationship, they try to be there during. But if they should stay after the relationship (incase it happens because it very well could), there needs to be a certain amount of effort and it doesn’t seem like the author is making that effort. And then wondering why her friends act that way. I’m encouraging everyone in a relationship to make that effort.
“Other friends and family are important as well.” They can’t possibly feel this way if you walk out of their lives. There needs to be room for them as well, and they shouldn’t feel like they have to fight. The best case scenario is if the significant other gets along with friends and family well enough so they can spend time with them as well. They won’t “shame” as much as if it’s this way, which is a possibility if both sides try. If not, that’s okay, there just has to be more time made for everyone else.
“Because if we're doing that, we're shaming them for being truly happy.” They’re shaming someone for being a bad friend, not their happiness. That is my main answer to this article. “Each person is entitled to live the way they want to live, and if a girl is happiest when she's with her boyfriend, then who are you to judge that? It's her life to live.” Completely true, and choosing to be a bad friend is one way to live. There will be judgements, but it’s possible to avoid them if they don’t see a reason to do so when there is a healthy balance of the relationship with friends and family.
