With the electorate vote declaring Donald Trump the 45th president of the United States, a new study has been released by The University of Not Existing that concludes there are exactly 6 reasons Donald Trump is NOT daddy AF. The controversial study accounted for not only his politics, but his physical features and his personality features. One study participant described his involvement as "crucial to society and [Mr. Trump's] presidency over the next four years." Another participant described the study as "lit A.F." and "an accurate measure of Mr. Trump's success in the coming 4 years." Here, I have listed a summary of the study's findings.
1. His toupee isn't even that good.
Many participants agreed that Mr. Trump's toupee is, in fact, a god awful toupee. Some compared it to a "drowned tabby cat", while others stated it looked like "a science experiment gone horribly, horribly wrong". No matter what colorful example they used, approx. 90 percent of the participants agreed: it's just not that good.
2. Much like George W. Bush, he believes that man and fish can co-exist.
"I mean, come on. What sort of idiot says that as they're about to blow up a dam? What sort of idiot says that at all? Clearly we can't coexist; We're fighting over the same land! And I'll kill any trout or tuna who thinks they can come into MY HOME and just take over." -Study participant 361
3. He has tiny, baby hands.
"Anyone who's going to be daddy can't have child-sized hands," said about 25 percent of the study. Another 15 percent added, "It's just plain creepy." 10 percent of the study went so far as to say "Clearly his hands are an indicator of the size of his penis, and anyone without a lit penis clearly can't be daddy."
4. His face reminds us of a giant, talking, orange condom.
"It's so creepy how his mouth moves," said one participant. "It's like he's an orange condom puppet, and someone else is pulling the strings." Another participant went on to confirm, "That's exactly what he is, and Putin is his puppeteer."
5. He doesn't talk about disrespecting women enough
"He isn't disrespectful enough to women," said a participant. "He only wants to take away their basic, human rights. Clearly, that isn't enough." A second participant went on to explain his view point, "Women are too strong for the weak oppression that's been thrown at them. It really needs to be turned up a notch, and the only way that's gonna happen is if he buckles down and let's 'em have it."
6. He's never once shown support for Dat Boi.
"Dat Boi is one of the most beloved memes of our time," said seventeen participants. "How can he not support Dat Boi? It's practically treason!"
According to the discussion section of the published study, there is little hope left for Mr. Trump's presidency. The scientists hope he can step up to the plate, but will not be surprised if he doesn't. Their research continues to see if they can find a seventh reason, and the scientists are hopeful that their research will help the public to see: Donald Trump is definitely NOT daddy AF.
