In 2016, dating can be made as complex as we make it. It involves our whole selves which consists of our mind, spirit, body, life experiences, values, beliefs, strengths and insecurities meeting a person who has his/her own. In relationships, many times it is required to selflessly reach out of our comfort zones often causing us to lose control of the heart we thought was ours. In order to create the strong bond we want with a partner, we must show love through vulnerability that can often be mistaken for weakness if given to the wrong hands. When we begin to meet new people, date and move forward in our relationships, many only hope that we can do so with faith, love abundance and trust that our paths were meant to be taken.

In 2015, I just moved to New York City to study at Teachers College, Columbia University and I was focused on being the best student and professional I could be. I had just moved back from living and working in Ghana, Belize, Japan and Ecuador for over 9 years. My priority was to transition on a level at which I would feel satisfied that I was being active in my academic community, performing well on my assignments and forming new friendships.

After six months, I felt that I wanted to expand my social life beyond the walls of my institution and meet new guys. I was taking care of my body, spirit and mind. I was not dreaming of a wedding, children, or the home that my future husband and I would live in because that was God’s plan. However, I was clear about what I didn’t want while still trying to understand what I wanted. I had no interest in the “hook-up culture”. Casual dating was for my younger self. I read and learned more about “Dating for purpose” and it intrigued me. My body, spirit and mind felt that I wanted to “date for purpose.” In this exploration, I made a good guy friend. Our friendship is beautiful because it is based on respect, kindness, love, trust and truth. Here is what I learned about our friendship and life through my eyes.

We have talked, opened up and become friends on a level that feels like family or could be mistaken for soul mates without the physical intimacy. Our friendship provides the same psychological security that a blanket or a stuffed animal provides for a child who needs comfort through the stages of life’s twists and turns. Our friendship has grown from passing each other in our familiar setting to lunch dates, ice cream escapes, flying kites in the park, as well as dances that brought out the hottest moves created in the 80s, 90s and today. As self-proclaimed foodies, we have eaten at the famous Lambardi’s Restaurant in Little Italy, Sylvia’s Restaurant in Harlem and Tom’s Restaurant in Morningside Heights. We attended a live jazz show at the Gin Fizz speakeasy lounge and he was the perfect platonic date. We would sip tea and chat until late. In a sense, we had become each other’s real life stuffed animals. The hugs helped make the stresses of life’s experiences easier to navigate.

We have talked in the morning, afternoons and evenings. It seems as if no part of the day was off limits because we made each other available for one another. I opened up to him and questioned the line that is drawn between a platonic friendship and a romantic relationship because nothing was off limits. We were open, honest, trusting and calm. We are both complex people because our histories, families, life’s stories and present day realities intertwine to create our beautifully and wonderfully made bodies, minds, spirits and identities. We are not normal. We are special to our mom’s, our friends and our families. We enjoy intellectually stimulated conversation, but also like to have gut laughing, silly and plain old fun!

Our friendship’s foundation was based on trust and honesty from the beginning, so when the lines started to become blurred, I had to ask about my friend’s feelings. I was comfortable with him because his actions could be defined as comfort but could also be confused with what I was looking for in a potential romantic partner. I asked “Do you like me for more than a friend?” He gently answered that he never wanted to lose our friendship because it was precious. I could have taken his answer as rejection, but in all reality it was quite the opposite. He wanted me in his life for the long haul and that felt nice. At the time, it took me a while to understand because I had never been this close to a man without a title. I must admit that initially, I was hurt because when I told him I will not be an option while making him a priority even if it was a friendship, I was protecting the most intricate and delicate part of me…my heart. I was confused and needed my own clarity. After some reflection and much thought, I learned through my past relationships with my good guy friends as well as with this relationship that it is completely possible to love your friend.

Like a true friend with patience, kindness and love he understood me and we decided to move on from spending so much time dedicated to our friendship. He upgraded his online dating profile and looked for compatibility. I started to look as well and take the beginning process of “dating with purpose” one step at a time. I am glad we spoke when we did. We are able to keep our friendship strong, but from more of a distance. I have the tendency to wear my heart of my sleeve. I also know that I want my heart to be exposed only to the ones who know how to treat it with the care that it deserves and needs.

This was an amazing life lesson. I talked with God and realized that although I want to open up and give my all to my true friends and closest people in my life, sometimes they are not ready, willing or able to handle such a responsibility. And that is okay. My Godmother taught me that people come into our lives for reasons and seasons. I have learned to embrace this truth in all of my relationships. Everyone may not be in my life forever, but I want to cherish the time we do have in these precious moments. In this truth, communication is key in any relationship and we can only control our own actions and reactions to life’s situations. I am thankful that I have such good people in my life who keep it real. I thank my good friend for being amazing as we explored, discussed and formed a friendship worth keeping through the seasons. One clear lesson that I will keep in my heart as I move forward is that I choose not to be an option, but a priority because my future love will be my priority. These often complex lines and expectations we create in relationships should not be pressured or prematurely rushed, but treated with care and discussed in a timely manner that is wrapped in love.