It's not always obvious that you're in a toxic relationship. Sometimes you don't realize how unhealthy your situation is until you remove yourself from it. It can take months, sometimes years, to come to terms with admitting to others (or yourself) that you were in a relationship with an abusive partner.
Last week I wrote about finding love after an emotionally abusive relationship. While I am in an incredibly loving relationship now, my ex emotionally and mentally tormented me for far too long. In that article I mentioned that there were several warning signs that I ignored for years. There were immediate red flags that I wrote off because I was young and gullible. I've compiled a list of indicators that your relationship might be unhealthy.
All their exes are "crazy."
I like to call this "ex-baggage." If your partner is constantly talking about their exes in a negative way, that is a red flag. Saying all of their past relationships ended because the other person was the issue is a sign that maybe they were the problem instead. My ex spoke about his "psycho ex-girlfriends" in great detail. He has publicly bullied them and lied about them to turn people against them, including me. Almost, if not every, girl he has dated has similar stories about his emotional manipulation.
They have a compulsive lying problem.
You frequently catch them in lies. Sometimes it's about big things, like cheating. Sometimes it's about something so silly you wonder why they even lied about it. You can't trust a word that comes out of their mouth because all they do is drum up fabrications. Compulsive lying is a slippery slope in a relationship. A relationship is meant to be trusting, so how do you build a healthy relationship with someone you can't trust? Lies are the foundation of an unhealthy relationship.
They gaslight you.
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic frequently used by emotional abusers. They can lie with a straight face, even when you know they're not being truthful. This confuses you, causing you to wonder when they're lying or being honest. They'll outright deny that they said something to you, even though you distinctly remember it. "I didn't say that! You're imagining things!" You begin to question your own reality. You start to believe that maybe they didn't say what you think they said. Gaslighting works so well because of this type of crazy-making. Lastly, they try to minimize or trivialize the situation. Whatever your concern may be, they make you feel as if you have no right to be upset. They may call you too sensitive or a crybaby.
Every problem is always your fault.
No matter what they do, it always comes back to you. An abuser will without fail make you feel guilty and like you need to apologize, even if you did nothing wrong. For instance, my ex once told me that he wouldn't do the things he did if I wasn't so crazy. Because somehow me getting upset that he would lie to me was grounds for him to lie to me some more. They never take responsibility for their own actions. "I wouldn't get so angry with you if you wouldn't ___." Nothing will ever be their fault.
They manufacture jealousy.
Emotional abusers have a thirst for drama. They manufacture jealousy by using a manipulation tactic called triangulation. They create artificial rivalries between you, their exes, and others. Your partner may flirt with other people or pursue a previous boyfriend or girlfriend. Often they don't try to hide this. They want you to see it and to react. Since you are so desperate to hold on to their affection, it will induce feelings of jealousy. They will use your jealousy as an opportunity to label you as unstable or accuse you of overreacting, even if you just saw them flirting with another person.
They threaten to commit suicide if you try to leave them.
This is something my ex did on more than one occasion. Once you get fed up and gather what little strength you have left, the abuser may threaten to harm or kill themselves if you don't stay in the relationship. This is common for emotional abusers because they know you would feel guilty and responsible if something did happen to them. Do not entertain this behavior. Contact the proper authorities and get them professional help. Never stay with someone out of fear that they will hurt themselves. It will only fuel their mentality and keep you wrapped up in their games.
Although there are many, many things an abuser can do or say to manipulate you, these are the most prominent things in my mind that I dismissed. If you feel like your partner exhibits any of these behaviors, please talk to someone you trust. Speak with a parent, friend, therapist, literally anyone. They might be able to help you build your self-esteem enough to give you the courage to leave. It is also very important to note that the abuse is never the victim's fault.
In my experience, abusive people do not change. They live to be manipulative and to use people for their own personal gain. Odds are if you're in one of these relationships, you've given your partner more chances than they deserve. It would take a monumental amount of effort for them to change, which is rarely the case. I can guarantee you that if someone can hurt you so deeply and so frequently, they do not love you. They can say that they love and care about you all they want. If their actions do not reflect that, it is not love.
Like I said, you may feel like you love them so much and can't live without them. It will be hard and it will hurt, but the best thing you can do is leave your abuser whenever it is possible. You will be making the right decision.
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