I could smell the fried sugar and dough from outside the dorm room. A few steps into the room and I was imagining the taste of glaze on my lips as I bit into the doughy deliciousness.

But no. “I feel good today. I want to feel good tomorrow, too.” And so I return my sugar-crazed arm to my side and grab a bottle of water.

As I drink the water that unsatisfyingly satiates my craving for unhealthiness, I think about the choice I just made. Why should my confidence be determined by what I eat? Maybe because I can see every bite of food that I ate when I look in the mirror. Whether it be in my uneven skin or in my double chin, its presence taunts me and makes me never want to pick up another fork again (because it’s fun to eat with your hands, of course). Which leads me to my next question: When did skipping meals become a thing to be proud of? At what point did mustering up the strength to turn down an extremely desirable sugary treat on a girls’ night become something to be celebrated?

I’ve had my fair share of Twix… and Kit-Kats… and chocolate ice cream… and on some really bad days, all three. But Guilt is always right on time to the pig-out party, reminding me that the pigging out wasn’t worth it. However, I’ll probably never learn. I can’t go to a restaurant and order a salad, no matter how disciplined and proud I know I would feel if I did, because the greasy goodness on the other side of the menu mocks me with its deliciousness. I’ll never choose a salad over a burger and fries and if I did, I’d be cheating myself of what I know I really want.

Maybe it’s because I have no self-control when it comes to food. Maybe it’s because I’ve disproven the “nothing taste as good as skinny feels” theory. Or maybe it’s because of the impending thought that life is short and I don’t want to spend it being mindful of what I eat. I want to eat pancakes for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch (it’s grilled, so it’s healthy, right?), and pizza for dinner.

The problem is there are so many quotes about eating healthy and willpower that contradict the body positive ones. Each type works to justify the two different mindsets that I alternate between: the “life is short, eat what you want” mindset, and the “I want to feel good so I need to eat well” mindset.

So yes, on this one occasion I was strong and rejected a donut that I wanted nothing more than to devour. And yes, I was proud of my momentary discipline but I know that there will be times where I’ll take not only one, but two. I won’t be as convincing when I tell myself that I’ll feel better if I say no. But I’ll be okay with it because life is short and I’d rather spend it enjoying tasty food than counting calories and measuring lettuce into a bowl. I’ll be okay with it because we’re all entitled to cheat days (or weeks). In fact, they’re what make us human.

So in the wise words of Emma Stone, “Eat the damn red velvet cupcake,” but do it with a smile that reminds you of how you shouldn’t feel bad for it.