Religion is a large part of one's identity — at least that is what everyone tells me that has an idea of what they put their faith in (or don't). I identified as a Roman Catholic for the better part of my 18 years. Everyone in my family attended a Catholic primary school with both sets of my grandparents also with a secondary school. My younger cousin and I were the only ones who did not receive a full Catholic primary education. I attended for three years before being transferred to public education while my cousin was thrown into public schooling right away. However, those three years may have made all the difference in making it "easier" to determine my religious identity as I grew older.
I remember going to church every Sunday with my entire family. Sometimes I would sleep over my grandmother's house the night before and arrive with her. She would always remind me to say my prayers before I went to bed and would even let me use her rosary at times. We would then go to the movies only after the service was over, one would not dare skip mass as my school took attendance on who came with their families. It was almost like they would shun or even go as far to refuse education if their students did not attend church outside of their required school services.
We students would walk over to the church next door every first Thursday morning of the month for mass. The younger students would be paired with an older one to watch over us so we did not interrupt the priest's sermon. I had always gotten matched with my older brother (who is five years older than me) because the teachers thought it was a great idea to pair siblings together. I dealt with my sibling scolding me for trivial things and reporting nasty doings back to my teacher so I would get in trouble. Not cool.
We would pray before we ate our homemade lunches in the classroom. There was no cafeteria and we only had hot lunches served on Friday, still only in our classrooms. It was stressful and confining for a young child to be in the same room the whole day. We would only leave the classroom for bathroom breaks, gym class, or typing class because none of the classrooms had computers. On the intercom, there would be a student who sang the national anthem and another who led the whole school in a daily prayer. Although I said it every day, I can't remember it. The part of the day where we would learn about the Bible, appropriate actions and thoughts of a practicing Catholic, and so forth was my least favorite. I would've much rather read a book or have been taught more math skills to aid me in my future.
Everyone in the school seemed to be apart of one large community. Everyone knew each other, everyone knew what grade you were in, everyone knew what extracurricular activities you were involved with. When I made my Holy Communion, it seemed like I had gotten cards from everyone in the world, all saying congratulations. I had a formal white dress accessorized with my tiara and posed with everyone in my family. No one had explained to me what it was I was celebrating and I didn't understand until I asked my grandmother at my party later on.
The end of my second-grade year rolled around and my mother informed me that my school was shutting down and I would be attending public school in the fall. I would still be going to CCD, more commonly known as Sunday school, after church. There were only four other kids in my CCD class and I dreaded it, it was dull and I missed going to the movies with my grandmother instead. However, CCD stopped after my third-grade year as my mom informed me that it was too expensive to keep me enrolled. I had not even been confirmed yet, I would not be able to get married in a Catholic church when I was of age. My grandmother was crushed.
On standardized tests or surveys, it would ask what religion I identified with. What would I put? I no longer felt like a practicing Catholic, but if I called myself an atheist, would I be sent to hell? Was there a hell? Was there even a heaven? Did those two words need to be capitalized? I slowly stopped praying at night and talking to God altogether. I eventually stopped going to church with my grandmother. My family still identified as Roman Catholic, but what was I? Who was I?
But how could I leave God behind? He used to be such an important being to my family when I was younger and then they abandoned him. I didn't understand that you could still believe in God, still pray, still be a Roman Catholic without attending church or a Catholic school because no one had told me. I had thought that we had deserted the only faith that I had known. I felt guilty and disappointed with myself. I thought that even if I wanted to identify as a Roman Catholic, God would no longer want me.
I lived in a confused void with my religion up until about ninth grade. Part of the curriculum for my public school was to teach about the five major religions to better understand world history. I realized how similar they were and how the same teachings were threaded between them. I was introduced to religions that had many gods and goddesses, some that had one, some that had none at all. There were people out there who practiced these, their religion was apart of them. I decided that I would have no religion. I couldn't let go of God but the class had taught me that God can appear in many forms. I now identify as a person who has no organized religion, but still believes in a higher power.
I just wish that my parents had not introduced me to the Catholic religion. It had only made me feel guilty for many years for deserting the faith. My grandmother still attends church and I will occasionally go with her to keep her company but she still doesn't know that I don't identify as Roman Catholic anymore; I feel like it will disappoint her. Children should not practice religion unless it is their wish to do so and instead practice whatever religion they please so they are not confused as they age like I was.
