Recently, I reread an article that I wrote about a year ago. In that article, I simply wrote about where I was in life and how it was different than I thought it would be.
It is a year later, and not only am I not where I thought that I would be (again), but life is very different than it was only a year ago.
Over a month ago, I graduated from college. With no concrete plans for the next year, I didn't really know what I was going to do. All I knew was that school wasn't going to be in the picture, and I had renewed my lease in Charlottesville.
Fast forward a month, and I am working at a social club as a concierge. I am living in the same house as the past two years with some new people as well as some old people.
My friends that are in town are exponentially busier than I am used to, and therefore a lot harder to keep in contact with. A lot of friends have moved on since graduation, anywhere from Richmond to Blacksburg to Boston. If I communicate with them once a week, I call it a success.
Looking at my article from last summer, I talked a lot about my confusion and aimlessness. However, I always returned to my underlying faith that God was taking control of it.
But this summer, that faith isn't nearly as strong.
I really haven't been reading my bible or enjoying my quiet time in the past few months, and I can tell. The aimlessness I currently feel isn't underlined by peace. The unhappiness always lingering around me seems heavier than ever. The anxiety surrounding the next week, month, and year of my life has seeped into my sleep.
It's exhausting. These things - aimlessness, unhappiness, and anxiety - coupled with loneliness, boredom, and confusion, have plagued me in the past few months, and I didn't even realize it. I didn't realize how bogged down I have become until I read that article from this time a year ago and remembered the true peace I had. I had peace, despite facing similar struggles to those I have now.
The one difference? I was reading my bible and doing quiet time. I went to church and was trying to surround myself with as much community as possible.
Now, just because I've realized what I need in order to change my outlook and my mindset, it's easier said than done. Despite knowing what is good for me, that certainly doesn't mean that I'm going to jump right into it all. I haven't felt like reading my bible in months, and that feeling doesn't just change with the flip of a switch.
However, my eyes opened while reading that article, and it pointed to proof of what faith and God can do. I truly do want to be happy again. My first step: pray that God gives me the desire to read my bible and actually care what it has to say. Because after all, He is in control.