Because I’m a poor college student with no money and no means of transportation, I rarely make it out to the movie theater. Redbox rentals it is. I may not be up-to-date on what’s playing in theaters, but wait a few months and I’ll let you know if the movie’s worth the dollar fifty rental fee.

We are gathered here today to mourn the Divergent film franchise’s continuing lack of purpose in the cinematic world. If nothing else, let us hold out misplaced hope that after the disaster that was Allegiant, Hollywood will see the error of its ways and let the split adaptation fad fade into oblivion.

If you’ve had even marginal awareness of the new movie releases of the last few years, you’ll know that quite a few film franchises (usually based on books) have decided to split the final chapter into two movies. I won’t waste time listing every series that has done this. Divergent was trying to copy other movies’ successes and decided the only way to achieve this would be to split the last book, Allegiant, into two movies. Allegiant was a very controversial book, but Lionsgate didn’t consider the fact that maybe four movies wouldn’t work out so well for them. Because, oh boy, it did not. Allegiant was a critical and financial disaster of such caliber that now Lionsgate is looking at the possibility of sending movie #4 (Ascendant) straight to TV. I’m not kidding. Say what you will about The Hobbit or Breaking Dawn’s blatant cash grab attempts; Bilbo and Bella didn’t get relegated to the small screen as a result.

Of all the series I’ve seen attempt the split adaptation method, Allegiant wins the award both for "Most Unnecessary" and "Most Physically Painful to Sit Through".Hold your applause, please. According to a Google search I performed two seconds ago, the movie is only two hours and one minute. That sounds like a lie. By the time the movie was over, I felt like I had aged several decades. Generally speaking, this isn’t how I want to feel after finishing a movie.

Allegiant picks up where Insurgent left off. At the end of Insurgent, we found out that there was a world outside of Chicago (shocker). Tris and Four decide to venture outside the fence that surrounds the city. They’re joined by the usual suspects: Christina, Tris’ stock best friend whose personality has not developed beyond Kleenex tissue since Divergent; Caleb, Tris’ backstabbing and mostly useless brother who they insist on keeping around because…he’s smart or something (the audience is never given any proof of this); Peter, the constant turncoat who nobody should trust by now but keeps getting dragged into the main story line because Miles Teller is the only cast member who tries giving his character any semblance of a pulse; and Tori. Don’t worry about her. She’s killed off 0.3 seconds into the mission in an attempt to give the story some dramatic weight. RIP, Tori. We hardly knew ye. (No, really. We didn’t. Did she have any character traits beyond “tattoo artist”? No? Okay.)

The world outside the gate is an eyesore, so it’s no wonder everyone decided to relocate to Chicago. At least the sky wasn’t puke orange there. Who decided on the color palette for this film? (If you need a quick point of reference, the poster above perfectly demonstrates the monstrous colors and uncreative look of the movie.) I get you were going for that “post-apocalyptic nuclear holocaust vibe”, but the end result made it look like a three-year-old picked out the most obnoxious crayon color in the box and just had at it. And while we’re on the subject of visuals, let’s talk about not-Chicago’s appearance. The Bureau looks generic. I suppose that’s to be expected when your movie is based off a generic book. White buildings with bizarre architecture has been seen in approximately six point eight septillion other futuristic sci-fi movies. How offensive that someone got paid actual money to turn in this lazy visual design.

Once they make it past the fence, Tris & Co. are taken to the Bureau of Genetic Welfare. The plot stops completely here as the audience finds out what the purpose of Chicago’s factions were. The explanation is as nonsensical as a walk through Wonderland. Something about trying to get rid of bad personality traits and manipulating genes and said genes fixing themselves. Or something. I’m not really sure.

The Bureau of Infodumps Genetic Welfare is run by a guy named David. Tris trusts David, even though he looks like every Bad Guy In a YA Movie Ever. In a mind-blowing plot twist, David is revealed to be evil.

The fact that Tris trusts David is a point of contention between her and Four, adding conflict to a movie that is overstuffed with conflicts. Let’s take a headcount of all the conflicts running around Allegiant:

• Tris, Four, et al. are sent to investigate the world beyond the fence because heaven forbid someone other than out special protagonist undertake these responsibilities. (Were five teenagers and a tattoo artist the best options for this mission? Really?)
• Evelyn is trying to take over Chicago with her band of factionless. So are the Allegiant, a random group of rebels that sprung up in this movie and get zero development beyond being “rebels.” (Lake of development is a strong trend in Allegiant.)
• Tris and Four disagree about everything, but specifically David.
• David terrorizes the people living on the Fringe. Don’t worry about the Fringe too much. It’s just there to make sure the audience knows David is EVIL and also to introduce the plot device known as the memory serum.

Somehow, none of these ninety-seven story lines are strong enough to support the movie. Even though it’s a two hour movie, the ending drags on longer than The Return of the King. At least The Return of the King was the genuine end of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. With Allegiant you know there’s going to be a part two, so you keep waiting for the big shock that will leave everyone hanging and get butts in seats for Ascendant. Does it happen when we find out Four is being taken to his execution? No. Does it happen when Four escapes and tries to make his way to Chicago while injured? Nuh-uh. Does it end when Peter infiltrates Chicago as a spy? Nope. Does it end when the memory serum is about to be unleashed on Chicago? OF COURSE NOT. Like a Monopoly game that has gone on far too long and has now put every player in a bad mood, Allegiant limps to its unceremonious finale in which everything is both resolved and yet not. Thanks to a video cast out across the city, everyone in Chicago unites against David, thus bringing the Allegiant/factionless war to an end. On top of that, Tris and Four make up because we can’t end this movie with our Designated Mating Pair in an argument. The memory serum gets shut down before it can do any damage to Chicago. The film ends with a shot of David looking constipated and that is the dramatic finish that was supposed to leave people wanting more.

You know what would have been super awesome? If the movie had tacked on another twenty or thirty minutes and wrapped up the stupid David story line. If I remember the book correctly (and if I’m being honest, I’ve blocked most of it from my memory,) they’ve made it to the end. Had the movie run for two and a half hours, David could have been taken out and the series could have been done. It would have been painful to sit through, but nowhere near as excruciating as the thought that there’s going to be a fourth movie. How? I know why there’s going to be a fourth movie, but how is the movie going to be beefed up enough to last for two hours? There’s not enough story line left to even make for a feature-length movie at this point. Maybe that’s the reason Ascendant is going to TV. The plot can only sustain a twenty-two minute episode.

Allegiant is dull. It is the most selfish and detrimental two-part split I’ve seen and I can safely say that without having seen the fourth movie. The story line, for all the subplots it produces, is boring. The characters, after three movies, are about as fascinating as Rice Krispies Treat wrappers. It doesn’t help that 99% of the cast looks like they’d rather be getting root canals than be in this movie. I legitimately can’t think of a less satisfying way to spend two and a half hours. If you need an exciting way to spend two hours one night, Allegiant isn’t the way to go. I might recommend staring at a blank wall or switching your bedroom lights on and off.