To those I share the road with,

Do you see that light? That light is green. When the light is green it means you go, you drive, you physically have to step on the gas pedal for your car to accelerate.

Here’s a quick overview of traffic lights: green means go, yellow means slow (a.k.a actually speed up to make it through the light) and red means stop. Turn right on red, when possible, and for the love of god do not wait five minutes after the light has turned green to move. Turning left or right in the near future? USE YOUR BLINKER. The blinker actually warns me you’re going to be stopping shortly from the 50 mph speed we are currently at, and therefore I can plan accordingly. Going 25 mph in a 45 mph zone? You best believe I’m going to tail you until you: A. Go faster, B. Move over, or C. I will make a point to go around you and stare deep into your soul.

Not sure about the difference between the right lane and left? If you’re a minivan filled with your 8 children, I would suggest you go in the right lane due to the fact that it’s the slower lane, otherwise, head on over to the left lane if you’re going to go at least the speed limit, if not 10 mph over. To the dude that sped ahead of the entire line of traffic to merge at the very start of the construction that is causing this one lane of traffic, NO. Just no, I have actually never been more committed to NOT letting you in than I have anything else in my life. Next time, wait in line like the rest of us, buddy, because you’re just going to piss people off even more than the traffic already is. And finally, when we’re at a three-way intersection with three stop signs, let’s not all sit there, get to know each other, sip tea, have a jolly old time, awkwardly try to drive forward and then stop because we all did it at the same time. Let’s follow the rules of the road. Whoever got there first, just book it so the rest of us can have our turn because otherwise I do not have time for that.

So, people, get your wheel under control and please just figure it out so that I can get where I need to be without swearing on your face, family, car and basically your entire life.

Without love,

The person who paid attention in Driver’s Ed.