Hi friends. Hopefully if you’re reading this, you’re an estranged Facebook friend who is wondering whether or not we should stay friends. While I see a lot of hate posted on Facebook, there are just not enough hours in the day to unfriend all of you! So please help ease the workload by educating yourself on my likes and dislikes and, if it seems necessary, unfriending me!
1. Let's Start With The Big One: Hate
If you hate someone based on their skin color, gender, religion, sexual orientation, etc. I think we should go our separate ways.
2. If You’re a Trump Bible Beater
I don’t want to get too much into politics, but supporters of Donald Trump have been unruly lately. In my personal opinion, he’s a sexist, racist, two-timing idiot who’s getting votes solely because people recognize him from TV. Yes, let’s build a wall to keep immigrants out and force certain religions to be kept separate from regular society, because that’s not going against the Second Amendment or anything.
3. If You’re Extremely Pro-Life
I’ll say it right now: I’m pro-choice. No, that doesn’t mean we should abort every single baby ever. It means that women have the choice to do so, if needed. We’re not murderers for supporting women doing what they think is best for their situation. And if you're pro-life, that's your own decision and people should respect you for it. Unless you're spamming posts about how all pro-choicers are going to hell and whatnot, then you need to calm down a bit.
4. If You're Against Transgender Bathrooms
If you're so upset about who's using the bathrooms at Target, then maybe you need to step back and reevaluate your life.
5. If You Don’t Know How To Spell Correctly
Dear God. Most of you guys are high school graduates. How dare you get your degrees without knowing the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, or speaking like you were actually raised in a barn. Good luck with that, guys.
6. If You Use Generalizations
Fill-in-the-Blank time! “I’m not ________, but _____________.” Now, there are so many ways to go with this fun Mad-Libs game, but let me tell you some of my favorites:
- “I’m not racist, but I could’ve sworn that black guy had a gun.”
- “I’m not racist, but what if that Muslim blows up the place?”
- “I’m not sexist, but I don’t think any woman can be president. We just have too many emotions. Trust me, I know, I’m a woman too."
This last on takes the cake.
7. If You’re Against #BlackLivesMatter
Personally, I think all lives matter. Every life is precious and I wish we’d stop killing each other on a basis of sole hatred. However, I don’t support #AllLivesMatter because it’s an unnecessary response to a very real protest. Black Lives Matter is a group created solely to bring awareness to black people and the violence and fear they have to face every day. Protest groups fighting against Black Lives Matter isn’t just unnecessary, they’re disrespectful. Just imagine if the Suffragettes had to deal with this stuff.
8. If You Take A Bunch of Dumb Quizzes
OMG who’s your soulmate? Wow it’s the person you spend the most time with on Facebook! Where were you born? Wow, Facebook just gave that information to this quiz app so now it knows exactly what town you grew up in! Whoa what does your profile picture look like? WOW THIS QUIZ IS SO INSIGHTFUL HOW DOES IT KNOW?
Please stop. These are dumb and you are dumb.
9. If Your Entire Life Is Facebook
Wow thanks for telling me all about that family secret that you just shared publicly on Facebook. I’m not sure if you’re doing this for likes or just to get it out there, but you sure got a lot of likes, and a lot of family secrets too. And geez, this sure is the third time your grandmother’s died, but hey, got those likes, right? I bet it’s totally worth it in the long run, when you finally put down your phone and realize that you haven’t moved in a week, your goldfish is dead, and your parents have been wondering where you’ve been, like they even called the cops and stuff.
But at least you got those likes.
10. If You’re Obsessed With Pokemon Go Teams
OK, this really isn’t reason to unfriend me. But please, relax on the Pokemon Go memes? I don’t care if you’re Team Valor or Mystic or Instinct or Rocket or Chalupa or whatever. Take a chill pill and go catch another Rattata.
So remember friends, we can disagree about a few things, or even lots of things! But if you hate me by the end of this article maybe we should part ways. Thank you for keeping Facebook a kind and not annoying place to explore!
Written and (Poorly) Illustrated by Hannah Hilty