Sometimes I have days where I hate everything about myself, and since I know myself better than anyone else, I have a lot of things to pick out. Sometimes I get upset about the way I look and the fact that boys aren’t always flocking towards me; other days I become envious of people with athletic or academic talent, always thinking “Why can’t I be like that?”
I’ve had these thoughts for as long as I can remember. I don’t know what it’s like to feel confident in my own skin or love the person that I am – and I think that I’ve finally figured out why. If I begin to love myself for whom I am, than other people’s words and opinions no longer matter.
That is to say that if I am confident in my identity and the way I look and think and act, I no longer need the worldly adornment of people that I crave. I am constantly seeking the approval of my family, friends, and peers in all that I do, and when I don’t get it, I feel broken. Like there is something wrong with me, which gives me more to tear down. I’ve been struggling trying to figure out: why do I do this?
I went to a church service tonight at school, where the speaker told the story of Hosea, a prophet who was instructed to marry a prostitute. And even after she left him, he time and time again went after her and brought her back to be his wife. These words spoke volumes to me tonight; he pursued her, and because of his love for who she was on the inside, he was willing to forgive what she was doing on the outside. She was dirty and unfaithful and found her self-worth in men and the money they paid her, when in reality she had a man who loved her despite it all.
As I listened to him tell the story, I began thinking, “what it must be like to have a man love you and be so faithful.” But then I realized that I am her. I look to others in order to judge my self-worth. I find satisfaction in people appreciating the way that I look on the outside and often forget about the positive things that people have to say about who I am on the inside.
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
This story is just a metaphor for the way that God loves you and me; no matter what we’ve done or will do in the future, he will constantly pursue us and take us back with an unfailing and nonjudgmental love. I need to quit looking to the people around me and begin looking up.
In order to let others love me, I have to first love myself. Until I do that, it’s impossible to let anyone in. And before I can love myself, I have to love and trust God with all my heart and realize that I have been beautifully crafted according to his plans.
He sent me this reminder today, and lifted me up from the ashes of self-pity that I was lying in.
