I remember reading Walden in 10th grade for an AP English class and talking about solitude and the beauty of being alone... and for some reason I never seemed to truly processed what that meant. Thoreau states, "I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.”

And, for the time being, that never really made sense to me. High school was about making friends, about finding a boyfriend, about surrounding myself with social escapades that advertised my charisma and boosted my self-esteem. That quest still follows me. I'm out of high school, but I'm obsessed with being included and with making friends or trying to find a significant other. I want to be able to show others that I'm likable and I'm wanted...at least until recently.

I cannot honestly say what exactly led me to this realization, or why I feel a need to share it with you all... but I can say it's been liberating. I went on a date with someone a few months ago, and I remember him telling me that he had recently broken up with a girlfriend of 5 years. He continued to tell me that absolutely nothing was wrong with her; she wasn't crazy; she wasn't possessive; he just didn't care to put forth the effort, nor did he want to be pestered by her during his worldly travels. I told him I understood...but in my mind all I could think was "Red flag, red flag, red flag." Because this guy instantly was not a person I could depend on.

And while reliability should be a desirable trait in any person with whom we cross paths, I don't think our utmost desire should be to find someone that we become fully dependent upon--which is what I see far too many people doing.

For instance, my roommate was caught in a very toxic, possibly even parasitic, relationship because she thought she needed that person in her life--she depended on them. My best friend was in a destructive relationship that took a tole on her well-being in general only because she was holding onto the mere thought of what the relationship once was--she needed the reassurance of desirability.

We are so caught up in trying to protect ourselves from harsh realities--to find ways in which we seem wanted and loved-- that we do not realize the harsh realities lie within us. For me, that harsh reality is that I do not want to be alone, but I need to be alone (at least for now). There are times when I feel as though I am not loved, that I am not beautiful, that I am not worthy of attention. Those are the times when loneliness is the strongest companion I can have. Those are the times when I see myself grow most as a person.

What I'm really trying to say is....depending upon people is healthy. Wanting to be wanted is healthy. But when we use that need for desirability as a crutch for our guide through the day--when our level of desirability determines the mood we feel day to day-- We are doing ourselves no justice. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Depend on yourself. And let others come into your life after.