1. I will limit myself to Taco Bell one to two times a week.
2. I will not hate myself after eating Taco Bell three to four times a week.
3. I will go to class every day -- at least, one of them.
4. I will work out three days a week. Power walking to the fridge at 2 a.m. does not count.
5. I will spend 45 minutes less per day stalking people on Insta. Or Twitter. Or Facebook. Or searching for them on Google image. Or searching for their parents on Google. I will do 45 minutes less of that. Every day.
6. I will minimize my judgmental inner thoughts on other people’s life choices.
7. And more importantly, I will minimize my judgmental inner thoughts on others' outfit choices.
8. I will call my parents more frequently, just because they rock, rather than just because I need money.
9. I will write a paper before the night before it is due, or at least look at the paper description.
10. I will take the time to consider whether I really need another sorority t-shirt.
11. I will make an attempt to go to class without looking like I just crawled out of bed. I will, at least, brush my hair.
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12. I will put makeup on, sometimes, so my boyfriend does not forget that I can look normal.
13. I will minimize my wine bottle intake per week. I will stop justifying it by saying, “I mean, it’s basically fruit.” It is not fruit.
14. I will go to bed 2 a.m. because I am becoming an adult and that is what grown ups do, even if this creates tension in my Netflix relationship.
15. I will eat something green every day. This does not include skittles, jolly ranchers, spearmint gum, avocado ranch dressing or M&Ms.
16. I will leave for class on time so I don’t have to park in staff roughly 12 times per semester.
17. I will read a book instead of using Sparksnotes. Probably only if said book is not on Sparksnotes. I will read a book.
18. I will not gloat about how awesome my boyfriend is because that is really annoying.
19. I will not whine about how awful having no boyfriend is because that is really annoying.
20. I will not let a man be the measurement of my happiness because, bless their hearts, they are so dumb. And because that is really annoying.
21. I will maintain a clean room instead of the usual, “this place looks like it got hit by a tornado of clothes and beauty products."
22. I will really evaluate the necessity of that sixth shot of vodka.
23. I will wash my clothes before running out my last pair of clean socks.
24. Speaking of socks, I will make an effort not to lose them.
25. Maybe, I will even make an effort to find all the misfortunate lost socks.
26. I will wash my face every night before bed and leave toilettes by the bed so drunk me can at least attempt to be proactive.
27. I will eat more breakfast, even if it has to be left over pizza.
28. I will not let my friend go home with an ugly guy.
29. I will not let my friend go home with a really hot guy who has an overwhelmingly terrible personality.
30. In either situation, I will make her go home with me. And probably to Taco Bell, too.
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