I'm a private person. Most of the time I'm minding my own business completely shut off to the world around me. A lot of people like to assume why I'm like this. They think I'm awkward, selfish, rude, and all sorts of other negative adjectives. They assume I just don't like people and they keep moving. They don't know the real reason I'm like this.
When I was little, I was a social person. I could talk to anyone and I didn't care what people thought of me. You couldn't get me to shut up, and you couldn't get rid of me. I was so carefree back then. What I would give to be that way again. The truth is, I hate being so private. I hate being closed off. But, I can't help it anymore.
A lot has happened in my life. There are plenty of reasons why I keep to myself. From the kids who bullied me in school to the friends who damaged my trust, there are a lot of explanations for why I keep to myself. I remember when kids called me names like the gothic girl in middle school.
They joked about how I looked and how I talked. I remember hearing people I trusted talked about me behind my back. I remember being known only as the girl with a silly laugh.
There was a time in my life where I started to realize these people weren't laughing with me, only at me. I started to understand that none of them cared about my feelings, and how they only used me to be the humorous part of their day, someone they could make fun of to make themselves feel better. They had no interest in being my friend.
A girl can only take so much before she stops being open and starts being shut away. There were a lot of times I wanted to run away. I even started cutting cause that's what the emo kids did back then. I learned to be private. I learned to hide myself away so that people couldn't hurt me anymore.
The real reason I'm a private person is because I've been hurt too many times to be open.
Over time, I tried opening up to a few people to see if maybe there were some good apples out there. But, over time they always disappointed me. There are some friends I hold close, but the truth is even they have hurt me by forgetting to invite me out or being too caught up in everyday life to recognize my cries for help. It's the little moments that sting the most.
People are naturally selfish beings. We see life from our point of view automatically, and it takes a lot of effort for us to see it another way. We also can't be perfect. I understand that now, but I still haven't gotten over the pain I've felt.
There are people I actively trust to be my friends, but I still have a hard time opening up to them. Any day could be the day they dig up my old emotions through something they do. And they never mean to bring them out of me, but it always happens.
So yes, I'm a private person. I may never be able to change, even though I'm sincerely trying. But at least now you know why. Don't judge someone for being shut off because you have no idea what they've been through that made them that way.
