I struggled to find adequate words to explain myself when I first built up sufficient confidence to out my eating disorder. After months of praying and receiving counsel from the most generous people in my life, I was able to start putting the puzzle of a year’s time together.
Looking back on the height of my struggle is blurry. Part of my heart fears those memories, while another part, at the time, simply didn’t have enough energy to retain much of anything.
A few months into my redeemed life of health and a full belly, I came across some words. These 52 words shape the nearly flawless confession that I had been pursuing for quite some time.
On Monsieur’s Departure
Queen Elizabeth I
I grieve and dare not show my discontent;
I love, and yet am forced to seem to hate;
I do, yet dare not say I ever meant;
I seem stark mute, but inwardly do prate.
I am, and not; I freeze and yet am burned.
Since from myself another self I turned.
The truth that Queen Elizabeth speaks is astounding.
So many days I grieved inwardly, weighted down by hunger and anxious thoughts, yet I never exposed the distress that was going on deep down. I was in denial.
The Lord is so faithful and ceaselessly sheds light on my life. During this year of struggle the Lord reminded me to love myself, but I was forced by the voice in my head to hate who I was. The sweet souls present in my life poured positive thoughts into me daily. They spoke with patience and pleaded for me to enjoy a night out at a restaurant, or a social situation, but the voice in my head forced me to say, “No.”
I tried to save myself when people started noticing that my body was going downhill. I convinced everyone that I was “fine.” I claimed proudly that my intention was to “get toned” and to “be a healthier Hannah.”
On the worst days I was silent. I pushed other people away in fear of my secret being discovered. I longed hourly for affirmation to keep myself going, but I wanted nothing to do with others. I knew that I was sick. I knew that I was doing it all wrong, but I boasted in my head and told myself that I was “doing everything right” and assured myself that I needed to “keep going” in order to “get healthier.”
I was, and was not; I froze and yet was burned.
I was sick, and I pretended not to be.
I sat frozen, sometimes literally shivering, and yet was set on fire with a deceptive fuel. At the time I had no idea where that fuel was coming from. I was too exhausted to be in the presence of my friends, yet I was able to drag myself out of bed every morning and spend over 2 hours in the gym.
This all happened because I turned on myself. I let a voice within my head take control.
I let go of the Lord and clung to the commands of my eating disorder. From myself, a bold and healthy lover of food, I turned.
Today is different.
From my non-self, a frail and miserable deceiver, I turned.
