Been wondering about the psychotic clowns of late, and I have heard rumors that if they show up in our community, they will be shot on site. This poses an extreme problem for those dressed up as psychotic clowns. My 101 English teacher has offered extra credit if we show up on Halloween day dressed in costume. I wonder why? Considering the prevalent community attitude my story must have went viral. I do have a nice psycho clown mask and a ragged pair of greasy overalls, and I need to think this through.

I got on the psychotic clown kick years ago. I obtained a horrible mask from a psychotic teen who my wife was physically choking when he popped up in front of her with a knife. We were strolling down a city sidewalk, enjoying the evening, out on a date away from the farm. Suddenly, out from behind a hedge, this crazed clown jumps out and demands our money. The poor kid lacked judgment. My sweet little wife was raised on a ranch and spent her entire youth training bucking horses and milking wild cows. A psyco clown presented little problem. I know. (If you ever come across a girl that spent her life milking cows, well, they have a grip that can crush a bowling ball.) Quick as a cat she had that young clown in her talons. I felt sorry for him.

“Have you ever ridden a bucking psycho clown?” She asked me. “Quick get my spurs out of my purse! This should be fun!” She had him by the neck in a vice-like hold and he was down on all fours.

“After we ride him we can milk him next.” This statement, of course, sent shivers of fear through the psycho clown.

“Let go of me you psychotic woman!” He screamed. “Here take my mask…you need it more than I do!”

“I want your knife too.” She said, squeezing a little harder.

“Take it! Take it! Please just let me go see my chiropractor! I can…can’t feel my toes!”

After collecting said items, she pocked the knife and gave the mask to me. The prone wanna-be psycho clown collapsed after she let him loose. I resoled never to wear the mask ever. At least, not in her presence.

The chance came some several years and several kids later. I had borrowed my brother-in-law’s pickup to haul a couple of homemade caskets up to the rural school community spook-ally. Halloween, was especially exciting for my children and our rural neighbors. A friend and I had rigged up a western hanging scene, and in search for costumes I had run across the phyco clown mask. I had a great idea. We had just butchered a steer, and I saved the stripped leg bones for my dogs. I still had a noose in the front seat…and the idea of it excited me. I would return the truck and serve up the keys on a bloody leg bone while wearing the psyco clown mask and hanging noose. My big hefty,[marshmallow brother-in-law would be scared into next week! I chuckled as I returned home and set the plan in motion.

I felt I would pull-off the ultimate scare of the world as I observed myself in the mirror. Horror personified looked back. Chuckling maniacally I hoped in the truck and headed down the road to my Brother-in-laws trailer. He had a leaning wood, ramshackle set of stairs leading up to a small porch with equally deteriorated railing. I precariously climbed the steps, put the keys on the bone and pounded on the door. The door burst open and out came the biggest, meanest damn gorilla I had ever seen in my life, and it was definitly going to eat me. I fell through the railing with my stupid bone, and as luck would have it my noose hung up and I sat there strangling and swinging, feet barley reaching the ground.

“Did you scare him?” Yelled my Sister-in-laws voice.

“I think so? But I don’t know I what I scarred. Some ugly looking psycho clown. He’s strangling on the fence right now.”

“Really?” Wow! My sister told me about a bucking psycho clown she almost rode a few years back. Hang on to him while I get my spurs!”

I managed to get loose and I ran! Man did I run. My wife could have told her about the milking bit too.

Now here it is many, many years later. I still have the psycho clown mask. Should I wear it? Extra credit? The English teacher is a rancher/farmers daughter…with age comes wisdom… I rubbed my neck and tried to find feeling in my toes, dug out the clown mask and threw it to my dogs. They hate clowns.

[KW1]