Although, I am happy that it is my last few days as an undergraduate the stress is also at an all-time high. I never really liked graduations because to me getting that degree is no guarantee of anything. Since my parents are divorced, I am dreading the fact that I'm having two separate graduation parties. I already don't want one but two is stressing me out just thinking about it. I can see it now, I walk into the party giving hugs to those who have said congratulations then I sit down then boom my Uncle asks me "So what you majored in again? English? So you going to become a teacher"? It won't matter where I go; the kitchen, the family room, the basement, or the backyard some family member will be there to ask: Do you have a job yet? Are you going to grad school? What are your next steps?

I just know at this point in my last semester of college when I graduate I will be no closer to my dream career than when I started. I am an African American female, who is from Maryland that is graduating from a historically black university located in a rural community. I'm majoring in English and I have aspirations of becoming a film/TV writer, producer and an author. Now to me studying liberal arts is wonderful, I enjoy the discussions and they're more passionate people in those majors who are creative. But, when it comes to getting a job it's completely different from those students who study more "practical" or "specialized" majors such as computer science, engineering, or biology. Jobs for those majors are everywhere in the United States but, if I want to get into film/TV than I need to move to LA, New York, or Atlanta. Of course, there were multiple different things I could have done in order to prepare for this moment. Such as, transferred to a school that has a film/TV program, send out scripts for different competitions, doing an internship at a radio station or news network, or could have worked a ton of jobs to save money these past four years so I could move out. But, I didn't do them.

Why? Because I have that same viewpoint about graduation as I do with the thought of the future. That the future is never a guarantee. So no matter how you think/want it to be it typically ends up differently. I will admit that this viewpoint has been destructive for me. I don't try. I don't try because I know I'm not going to see immediate results or may will never. I'll sit in my room thinking for hours what I envision my future will look like. I'll envision all the movie ideas that I have. I will sometimes even start writing but, I won't be motivated to finish. I ultimately don't try because I'm afraid to fail. This way of thinking is all bullshit and I know this. It is normal to have self-doubt but, it never should control your life. Acknowledging your self-doubt is important because living your life trying to be positive all the time and not thinking about them isn't healthy either. You could be like me letting opportunities slip by or you could give up before you even really started because it didn't happen in 1 year. When success has no time limit. But, if you can't read this article all the way through because you don't want to put yourself in a negative place then you haven't made yourself aware to where your problems stem from and you haven't dealt with them. Our mind is our greatest inhibitor that affects our actions both consciously and unconsciously and we have to recognize our negative thoughts in order to change them.

I know that my family is the first problem that I have to work past. They can be your biggest supporter but because they want the best for you they can deter you from chasing your dreams. I already have such high self-doubt that an ounce from them really affects me. Hearing "Make sure you have a backup plan" and "Don't you know it's already so many people trying to do that" re-enforces the hesitation I already have. Hearing adults around me saying that they majored in "psychology" but, aren't even doing anything in their field or that they had aspirations of being a "dancer" but, it didn't pay well and basically life started so now their doing "human resources". Also re-enforces my hesitation. I know they mean well but, it doesn't help and it makes me feel worse.

Those struggles with myself and doubt from my family should be enough. But, social media is the second problem that I have to work past. Especially, watching youtubers. To know that a 16-year-old or someone my age is already making $10,000 dollars or more a month depresses me. But, I get stuck watching it because I wish it was me as well. For instance, this one guy I watched who is 20 years old and who dropped out of college recorded himself paying his $20,000 dollar school loan in full. For me to know that they are reaching these high milestones, creating these careers, and getting opportunities to live out their dreams and I sat here in college obtaining a piece of paper that has no guarantee attached to it. Once again is depressing and makes me question why the hell I went to school for. It's not so much what they're doing that made them successful that affects me it's the fact that they're so young and already obtained it.

These are my problems and now I need to grow from it and not let it inhibited me any further. I know that only I can achieve my goals and I know I need to make changes within myself. The first thing I need to do is to stop looking at social media. I also need to remember that no one can predict the future so I shouldn't spend so much time thinking about it. I need to continue reading self-help books to keep putting positive thoughts into my mind. I should only think about the present. The present is really the only time you can control and I should be happy in it. I need break down those walls of self-doubt. I need to ultimately seek failure because it'll make me better. I need to change my negative connotation of self-discipline and realize its self-love and practice it.

Overall, I just need to try. And maybe you need to, too.