"Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither."

Some say that opinions are like farts. Just because you have one, that doesn't mean you need to let it out!

"Someday you’ll go far... and I really hope you stay there."

It sounds encouraging at first anyway.

"Sometimes, it’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid than open it and remove all doubt."

In this case, the person will probably be too stupid to understand what you've just said.

"You only annoy me when you’re breathing."

... which is all the time.

"Do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who tells you to be yourself."

It's a bad idea in your case.

"Please, save your breath. I don’t know whether to give you a mint or some toilet paper."

Perfect for the person with a potty mouth.

"Good story, but in what chapter does your character stop talking?"

Can we please just skip to that chapter?

"Sorry, I didn’t get that. I don’t speak stupid fluently."

If stupid isn't a language, you've turned it into one.

"If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet."

Probably happy enough to not be insulted by that statement.

"Are you always such an idiot, or do you only show off when I’m around?"

I'd love to believe that I'm that special, but I doubt it.

"There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that."

At least you're thanking them for something.

"I was hoping for a battle of wits, but it would be wrong to attack someone who’s completely unarmed."

Oops, I guess I already started attacking.

"Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go."

...far, far away from me!

"Everyone’s entitled to act stupid occasionally, but you abuse the privilege."

Don't try to abuse the privilege and act like you can't comprehend what I just said.

"The village called. They want their idiot back, so you'd better get going."

At least you're needed somewhere!

"Do everyone a favor and exercise your right to remain silent. Whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway."

No, you don't exercise it on a treadmill.

"I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see that you’ve already got one."

Are you really that ugly, or does your personality show through that much?

"You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle."

Go ahead. I'll give you time to think about that one.

"It’s amusing to watch you try to put your entire vocabulary into one sentence."

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and spit out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.

"Are you a math test? Because we’re not adding up together, and it’s testing my patience."

Maybe if you subtract yourself from the equation, I could figure things out.

"You always bring me so much joy... as soon as you leave the room."

It's a good thing to spread happiness and joy — hint, hint.

"Brains aren’t everything. In your case, they’re nothing."

Hopefully, you can remember that.

"The reason you’re lost in thought is that it's unfamiliar territory."

I'd be lost too if I had your brain.

"At least your ego is higher than your IQ."

If you really spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.

"Calling you an idiot would be an insult to stupid people."

Don't like my sarcasm? I don't like your stupidity.