Here's how every Summer Family Reunion goes down- as if you were Pete Davidson.
Your parents try to tell you that this reunion won't be as bad as you think it will be.
They're wrong.
However, upon walking through your relative's front door, some aunt or grandparent is already judging you.
Yes Grandma, it's called F A S H I O N, ever heard of it? Oh wait, THAT hole? No, that one's an accident.
You're not quite sure how to interact with your extended family that you haven't seen since last summer.
Are we going for a hand shake or a hug here?
Bonding with your cousins is even harder.
What... isn't this what you fellow young people talk about...? No...?
Then one of your family members asks you one of those cliche convo-starters like, "So, how are you?"
I know what you meant Aunt Ethel, but I'm in no mood for your games.
...or even worse, they say, "Fill me on how your year went! Tell me everything!"
DON'T DO THIS TO ME AUNT ETHEL! I'M ALREADY UNCOMFY IN THIS SOCIAL SITUATION! DON'T MAKE ME SPEAK!
Or, icing on the skin crawling conversation cake, someone asks about school.
I dunno, I paid thousands of dollars to sleep through my 8 a.m. a few too many times. Is that what you wanted to hear, ETHEL!?
Finally, dinner's ready and you yeet away from the torturous chit-chat and towards Grandma's famous dinner rolls which you haven't had since last summer.
Sorry Ethel, can't talk- too busy- harumph- eating -hork snork- these rolls. Can someone pass the butter?
Of course, your uncle makes the same joke at the table that he made last year... and the year before that... and the year before that...
You are the Master of the Polite Sympathy Laugh.
Someone inevitably will bring up that very embarrassing story of your when you were 8 that you hoped would die 11 years ago when it happened.
Drop it, Grandma. Just drop it. OKAY, SO I WAS 8 AND PUT THE BATHROOM'S VAGASIL ON AS SUNSCREEN. DROP IT.
... or Grandpa starts on a tirade about how you and your cousins are wasting your summers inside.
Well, Someone has a very reasonable fear of needing to use sunscreen after a Certain Incident, so hop off my case Grandpa.
This tirade eventually morphs into the long-awaited political battle-royale.
Grandpa, c'mon, I just wanna enjoy these dinner rolls and avoid Aunt Ethel in PEACE!
Now you and your poor cousins have to answer all your relatives questions about being a "Millennial."
Yeah, I'm a feminist. No, that doesn't mean I'm better than men or any other gender. Yes, there are more than two genders. Can someone pass the butter!
Yup. If you weren't sure before, now you're certain you need to hide your sexuality from certain relatives.
Who's that girl you see me with on all my social media? Uh... my friend! My really good friend!
Finally, the topic changes and you and your achievements become the focus.
Yes, I did pass all my classes! Even though I slept through way too many 8 a.m. classes, somehow I didn't fail!
Then it changes to how perfect your perfect cousin is, and the flame of the cousin rivalry is reignited.
Yeah, well did Jason help set the dinner table today? Hmm! Bet his academic scholarships can't fold napkins as nicely as I did here. Sorry, MANY academic scholarships.
Speaking of your perfect cousins, they may have gotten all the good genes, but your summer fashion sense hasn't changed from a hoodie and jeans.
No, I don't want to put shorts on. No, I'm not too hot. I DON'T WANT TO GET SUNBURNT, AND YOU KNOW I CAN'T USE SUNSCREEN, SO DROP IT, AUNT ETHEL!
Finally, you've had enough and try to retreat to your your phone, behind your parents, or your aforementioned hoodie.
Grandpa's #MeToo questions can't get to me in here.
Or you make a terrible excuse to go to the solitude of your guest room for a breather from all this socializing.
Oh, me? Yeah, I'm "not feeling too well." I might take a "nap." Works every time.
However, your parents will come in, insisting you should come back out and socialize.
Mom, if I don't have a minute alone, I might spontaneously combust from social interaction.
When they leave and you're finally alone, your guilt starts to build and this inevitably creeps into your brain.
Dang it, Mom. Why you gotta guilt-trip me so well?
Finally, you come back out and do that "Polite Listening" conversation with all the old folks, wishing you could be anywhere else.
Yes, the dinner rolls WERE really good... Oh, of course, I'd love to hear about the recipe... Wow, whole wheat flour- I never woulda guessed, Grandma.
You're certain all the home footage of you and your relatives from today will look like this.
Aunt Ethel... please... I don't want to "twerk" with you.
Even though you're uncomfortable, you can use this time to rake in the Instagram likes.
#Family #LoveThem #Blessed #Fam #TogetherForever #JohnsonFamilyReunion #Johnsons5Ever
It finally clicks that you're stuck with these people forever, and that's okay. Even though their insufferable, you love them because you know you're insufferable too, and they love you right back despite it.
Jeez, these people saw me slather myself with mounds of Vagasil and still willingly talk to me. Well, if that's not family...
You look around at your family and smile, because they've been with you since day one and always will be there.
I can't wait for next year's reunion. Wait- Aunt Ethel is twerking again. The feeling of love is gone.
