To the person who is recovering or just got out of a toxic relationship I would first like to say, You are amazing! You just overcame one of THE hardest things most people go through.
Do not feel alone in this. These days social media puts such a warped view on what a “Perfect” relationship looks like that more and more people are falling into the clutches of toxic relationships. Unfortunately a lot of people never get out of these relationships or end up going right back. Like physical abuse, emotional and mental abuse is hard to escape from. If you are here and reading this, you have taken the first huge step into a better and healthier life. Keep going.
Out of experience I can tell you it is going to be hard. Toxic relationships are just as their title, toxic. With anything toxic it leaves damage in its stride. Do not second guess yourself as I’m sure you have been trained to do by the person creating the toxic mindset. You are not stupid or worthless or even crazy as I’m sure has been a word used enough times to drive anyone crazy. Trust me at times you feel like it, the longer they have had time to drill it into your mindset, the harder it gets to cleanse and redirect it.
You are NOT crazy!
Understand if you have mutual friends with this person, you will have people asking ALL the questions. Why? Because they have heard only the other half of the story from the other person’s point of view. Especially if the other person is someone who doesn’t like to take responsibility for their faults, you can bet that the story is going to have you as “bad guy”. Don’t panic, you don’t have to explain yourself to everyone. True friends will know your true character, and if you freak out it only gives the other person more ammo to “validate” their case. Or they go the “victim” route and passive aggressively make it your fault with things like “I guess I really am just a horrible person, no one will love me.” relishing in their “poor me” act so everyone feels bad for them. Actions speak louder than words, they way you respond to immature backlash will say a lot about who you really are. Just stay honest and be true to yourself.
You are NOT crazy pt.2
Do not try to argue anymore with this person because anything you say will just be thrown right back in your face. You will NOT “win”. To a toxic person the relationship is like a game of who is “right” and who is “wrong” and you will always be made felt like you are wrong. This is very hard because no one wants to sit there and be verbally bashed. If this is the case you need to cut this person off, cold turkey. You don’t deserve to be mentally punished for your feelings. You are definitely allowed to be upset and angry (they won’t validate it) but don’t give in and break. Be strong and keep moving forward.
Don’t second guess yourself through this process. For myself, I needed to do counseling to help me get to a place where I could again be confident in myself and my decision to leave. Everyone’s level of damage is different. If you are feeling stuck or are second guessing yourself constantly, it’s not a bad idea to try a little counseling. Remember, you are literally recovering from something toxic. Take care of your mental and emotional health.
Give yourself some grace and time. Like any wound, you will need time to heal. Don’t feel pressured to jump into anything before you are truly ready. Be kind to yourself and patient. Make sure you are in a good place with yourself and on your own before putting yourself out there again. Never do anything out of spite or before you are 100% solid with yourself. That leaves room for more second guessing and opens a door for another toxic relationship, plus you end up hurting someone else in the process of trying to figure yourself out.
Stay strong and Carry on.
You’re not alone.
