You sit and stare at the wall and your mind goes in a million directions at once. You think constantly of your future, always at stake. You think of what could be. You go over it in your head countless times, and after all of that, it still scares you and it still makes no sense.
All you want to do is sit, cry, not move, whatever comes to mind first.
It seems like people are trying to tell you what to do with your life, and there is no bigger pet peeve than that, at least for me. I wouldn't say I was encouraged, but instead, I was strictly pushed to do something that I really didn't want to do, and it would have changed absolutely everything. It was giving me a bad feeling and a whole lot of heart palpitations.
I'm not like my friends. I didn't get a job right away, and throughout the whole summer, I felt like I was the outsider and the only one who failed an interview, who was not liked by others, who was not enough. Giving up seemed like a good option, but I knew immediately that I was better than that.
I am also in grad school, and most of my friends are not. That's one of the differences in this whole formula. I am going down another educational path that may lead to a light at the end and another pool of job opportunities. I went for my Master's so that I can have other options, chances, and experiences.
After going through the first week of grad school, I realized that managing a full-time job plus grad school work AND commuting there to get to class on time was 100% impossible. Long story short, after many searches and tries, I am at home, still working and going to school full-time.
And I think that is the best path for me right now. That is the best option until next year when I go to complete my internship. So, getting a big girl job down here for a year would be silly and a waste, even though it'd "get my foot in the door."
Listen, this is my life and I decided this. It was a hard decision to make, and I'm sorry if I sound harsh, selfish, or stupid, for that matter. I am doing what is best for me, and it really annoys and saddens me when people try to take the reigns of my own life, my horse carriage that is leading me in the right direction.
I'm still going to job-search and find positions here and there. I will still try my best as I always have. But I will not strive for indecency. I will not fail. I will not let someone control me. It is MY life.
Raise your hand if you feel this way. I get it, my friends. It is a weird time in your life and anything may rarely make sense at all. But remember who you are and what you want to be and do. Don't lose your way.
The only person who has control over your life is you.
