Since I was a sophomore in high school, I have been the definition of a 'party girl.' I love to go out on the weekend (weekend being Thursday-Sunday), enjoy being the life of the party, I stay single so I can have more fun, etc. I have been living the dream, or so it seemed. Up until this weekend, I did not truly realize what an empty life I have been living. See, I was raised in church. For as long as I can remember growing up, Mamaw had me in church every time the doors were open, until I decided for some reason that being the 'party girl' was much more satisfying than being the 'church girl.'

I have been struggling for awhile now with my biggest sin. Not saying that drinking in itself is a sin; however, the things that I have done because of being so drunk are not things that a Godly woman would do-- they are things that would make Godly woman faint if she heard about them. I do not want people to take this to mean that you can't be a Christian and party, because if that works for you, then I'm glad to hear it. I'm saying I cannot live a Christian life and be the woman God put me on this earth to be while also getting drunk every chance I get. I am so embarrassed to know that there are people out there that think it's "un-Whitney" of me to not be drunk. That is not who I am. That is not who God made me to be. That is not who I want to be remembered as. I have been living such an empty, sad life full of nothing but sin and shame.

I mean, yeah, I supposed I did gain a lot in the six years I have been the 'party girl.' I met a lot of fake friends and wasted so much energy on friendships with people who are only interested in being friends as long as everything is going smoothly in my life. I have done countless keg stands and blown people away with my tequila shot-taking skills. I have managed to stay pretty much single my entire life and ruined anything close to a healthy relationship with a man. I have wound up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. I have spent many hours with my head buried in the toilet throwing up what alcohol my body was rejecting. I have woken up more times than I care to admit not remembering what I had done the night before, and if I did remember, praying to God to help me forget (HA!). This is just a short list of the things I have gained since I started to find my joy in alcohol and drinking instead of finding my joy from God.

How sad is that? My eyes are flooding with tears while I am writing this because I am overwhelmed with emotion. I know it is not going to be easy to redefine myself, seeing as I have been defined as a 'party girl' for so long-- it has become party of who I am, which is the saddest, most awful thing I have ever said. It is going to be harder than I'm sure I can imagine to turn down going to a party, or to go, and not drink; however, I know that deciding that I want a life full of God rather than a life full of partying will be so worth it. God put me on this earth, along with everyone else, to be a disciple of all nations, and to be a light to everyone I meet. I am meant to not hide my genuine heart, but instead to open it up for God and allow Him to flow out of me. I do not desire to be the girl remembered for her killer keg stand and her outstanding tequila shot-taking skills. I desire to be a woman of God, to walk through campus and everyone feel God's love through simply just my smile. I need this emptiness in my heart to be filled with the love that only God can give. No amount of tequila or meaningless flings with boys who do nothing but break my heart will ever fill that void. There is so much more to life than drowning my sorrows in 2 for 1 margaritas three nights a week, or spending money I should not be spending at the bar every Thursday-Sunday, and I am praying that I experience the "more" my heart is yearning for with my decision to stop drinking.

P.S.

My decision to stop drinking is undoubtedly going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, so all prayers will be appreciated.