It seems like whenever you log onto any social media platform whatsoever these days, there's always another new pregnancy announcement. I could literally list at least ten people I know right now that are expecting. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely ecstatic for each and every one of them, the joy and excitement that spews out of them makes my heart so happy. As a transman, I know I see pregnancy in a different light than everyone else.
Up until recently, I've always been the poster child for never having kids. Being a parent to anything other than something with fur and 4 paws was totally out of the question. I swore up and down I would never have kids. I didn't even entertain the idea, never gave it a second thought. I always told my mom not to be disappointed, but to never expect to be a grandmother. The only types of babies or kids I liked were the kind I could give back to their parents when they started acting up. I was okay with just being the "fun uncle" to my close friend's children when that time came.
As a transman, having my own children, of course, was completely out of the question. I didn't want to get myself excited over something I knew I could never have myself. I know there are plenty of other ways to have a child and there are way too many children in foster homes that should be adopted, but I felt like it wouldn't be the same; I feared that if I wasn't their biological father then they would never see me as their "real dad." Not to mention, no other dad in the world will have to sit their child down one day when they become of age and explain to them that their dad was actually born a woman. No other dad in the world will have to fear that rejection from their child. God forbid if my child's peers found out their dad was actually transgender and mistreated or bullied them because of that. These are the thoughts that scared me out of the idea of being a parent. These are the reasons why I never entertained the idea of being a father to anything other than a dog.
This all changed when I met my girlfriend, which is ironic because she swore she'd never want children either. Prior to her, I never envisioned myself having my own family until she came around. When I look at her my heart is so overwhelmed with pure and unconditional love to the point where I want more of her in the world. I'm not trying to be cocky, but I think I'm pretty damn great. I also think she is extremely great, phenomenal, out of this world. So, a little person that's half me, half her? Sold, I'm in. You're welcome, world. Raising a child with my best friend would be the most fun adventure that I could ever imagine. There's no doubt in my mind that she'll make the most incredible mother.
However, I'll always feel extremely guilty that I can't give her what literally any other man in the world could so easily; a biological child. Even after I get my bottom surgery, I will never be able to produce sperm, therefore, I will never be able to have my own biological child. That's such a huge sacrifice I'm asking her to make by having to take a nontraditional route to motherhood. That's such a huge obstacle we need to tackle together as a team. If she were with anyone else, she wouldn't have all of these hoops to jump through, it could be so easy and so natural if I wasn't born in this opposing body, this cage I'm trapped in. It eats me alive every single time I think about it.
Then I snap out of all that nonsense, apologetic talk. When I have a child, I'll go through all this extra work to have her because that's how badly I'll want it. Anything worth having certainly won't be easy. Where there's a will, there's a way. No matter how I have a child, I'll still have her and that's all that will matter to me. When the time is right, it'll happen. I never in my wildest dreams would've imagined I'd say it, but I can't wait to be a dad.