Our Secrets Kill Us

Our Secrets Kill Us

The Secret That Was Eating Me Alive


A common misconception about eating disorders is that they are a choice. By no means would I have wanted to put myself through the pain and suffering that I have endured. I didn’t choose to drop out of school or have to take a leave from running. I did it because I had no choice. My eating disorder consumed me. I like to think of it as a different entity within me. I refer to him as “ED”, ED my eating disorder. ED is a bitch. He’s a loud voice that likes to scream in Caitlin's head and sometimes she can't distinguish ED's thoughts from her own. He's controlling and manipulative and only thinks of himself. ED was jealous and envious, he was a perfectionist. In ED’s eyes Caitlin was a piece of shit and he told her so. So ED thinking he was a hero, was going to do Caitlin a favor and put her out of her misery. Caitlin (aka me lol) suffered with severe anxiety and depression. She hid this from most people because she was embarrassed and didn’t want people to think of her this way. On the outside Caitlin did her best to act as happy as possible and make the world believe everything was going right, when in fact her world was falling apart.

One thing most people don’t know about eating disorders is they act as a coping mechanism. ED did want to help Caitlin, but he did it in all the wrong ways. At one point in Caitlin’s life ED served as a way for Caitlin to deal with her emotions, emotions that were so strong and overwhelming that Caitlin didn’t know what to do with them. Caitlin, like many other victims of eating disorders could no longer deal with the pain that she was experiencing in her life so she transferred the pain in her mind to pain that she conflicted on her body. ED quickly became addicting. The eating disorder was no longer even about the food, but instead about the emotional pain behind it.
ED liked to stay isolated. Much of his actions were done in private. Caitlin kept ED a secret. She was embarrassed because she felt as if she was weak because she no longer had control over her mind or body. She didn’t want to believe ED was real; however, ED became too strong. ED was a secret that was slowly killing Caitlin and she hid him with her smile.

At one point in a victim’s life their eating disorder served a purpose. They used it as a coping mechanism to “distract” themselves from the emotional pain they were experiencing. Many victims with eating disorders have suffered traumas in their life. They use ED behaviors to try to deal with the overwhelming pain that has been inflicted upon them. Most behaviors are done in private. Some effects are not noticeable to the public while others are more obvious. No matter the case, each person is carrying a heavy burden within themselves that needs to be resolved. Although it may appear so, no one has control over ED. It may last with a person for a few months, a few years, or for the rest of their life. It is simply not something they can “get over”. It is a secret that is killing them.





Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Politics and Activism

4 Ways The Plan To Deport International Students Is Dumb, According To An Exchange Student

The whole policy isn't very stay-in-place, if you ask me.

Wikimedia Commons

On Monday, July 6, new federal guidelines were announced that do not allow international students to remain in the U.S. unless they are taking classes in person. Which, if you ask me, is stupid.

Keep Reading... Show less

Naya Rivera Is Missing, And She Deserves SO Much More Than Being Labeled 'Big Sean's' Ex'

We are all sending prayers to Naya Rivera hoping she finds them so we can find her.

I woke up this morning looking to find Naya Rivera's name trending No. 1 on Twitter. I was reading all of everyone's prayers wishing to find her so she can be reunited with her baby boy who is only 4 years old.

Naya's son's name is Lord and the entire collective is hoping the Lord is with him right now. I'm a firm believer in the Fear of God, I hope all of Naya's love is protecting Lord right now.

Keep Reading... Show less

With the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic still surging in the United States, where we are averaging 50,000 cases daily, wearing a face mask has become even more important. Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation's top infectious disease expert, has stressed the importance of wearing a mask and is pleading Americans to take notice of the "disturbing" rise in cases. It would be common sense to listen to him, considering we are dealing with a virus that has a mortality rate higher than what we have seen with other viruses.

Keep Reading... Show less

10 Sex Toys You NEED To Turn Up The Heat This Summer

They say diamonds are a girl's best friend, but...

It's your fairy sex godmother back at it again and here to tell you that masturbating is an essential need, just like toilet paper.

It comes with so many benefits, besides cumming. According to the New York City Health Department, "you are your safest sex partner" during a pandemic, so why not use the best toys to get the job done? Shopping for the best fit can be tricky because there are a few factors to consider — whether it's the price point, experience, sound, and more.

Keep Reading... Show less

These 3 Smoothies Totally Cleared My Acne-Prone And Scarred Skin

How I drank my way to flawless skin.

With this summer being the first of its kind for most people to be in the midst of a global pandemic, almost everyone is beginning to have an overall focus on improving their health.

Keep Reading... Show less

Everyone remembers the first time they went to one of the Disney parks. Spinning in teacups and having Goofy wrap his arms around my 8-year-old self were some of my fondest childhood memories, and I'm surely not alone in that.

Keep Reading... Show less

These Superfood Beauty Products Show Kale And Matcha Work For SO Much More Than We Thought

Just another summer's day with a cold glass of kombucha on my face.

I've been vegan for about six years now, so a love for fresh vegetables and superfoods has now become a core part of my being. Don't get me wrong. I love my indulgent, creamy pastas and truffle fries more than anyone. But I keep most of my focus on eating clean and healthy so I can indulge guilt-free.

But I'd say about a large part of my diet has always, unknowingly, included superfoods. Being Indian, lentils, beetroot, garlic, ginger, and whole grains have been core essentials on the family dinner table since I could digest solid foods.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments