I remember sitting there desperately waiting for the light to turn red.
Green.
Green.
Come on! Green.
Oh, finally. Red. I could hear her behind me crying her eyes out and I knew that in an hour I would be doing the same thing. I unbuckled my seatbelt as fast as I could and I climbed through the white Suburban that now felt like a mile long cave. I knew I would cry. That’s why I brought an entire box of tissues in my bag. I finally got to the back of the car and I clicked myself back into safety. Then, I grabbed my box of tissues, pulled out a tear catcher and I handed it to the sweetest little girl sitting beside me.
We were leaving the airport and driving away from the man that had both of our hearts. She had said goodbye to her oldest brother today, and I had said goodbye to someone I wasn’t even sure was mine. For today was the day that my missionary left to spend two years spreading the word of God to people in the Arizona community.
I was blessed to be given the opportunity to come with his family to the airport in order to wish him farewell. I’m still not entirely sure why I was allowed to come, but it was an absolute honor to stand there with my best friend and his family as they all spoke of “see you later”.
My missionary and I had been close since high school. We sang together in an advanced choir, were each other’s dance partners in various Show Choir benefits, and went to lunch together to catch up. I spent many nights yelling from the sidelines, and he spent numerous nights in the audience while I took my spot on the risers. We were even married. For a musical, that is. He was there whenever I found myself crying - which didn’t happen unless I felt my ground shaking from under my feet. He had told me that he would be leaving for his mission and the joy I heard in his voice made me so excited. It was something he had been longing to do for years and his time had finally come.
I got a call one night while I was at dinner that he had gotten his letter and was having people over for him to read it. He wanted me to be there, and believe me, there was nowhere I would have rather been. “You will be serving the Tempe mission in Arizona”, he read. It didn’t seem that far. Not until we had gotten in the car that morning. Not until his plane took off and I was crying at home on the couch. Not until something major happened and I would dial his number only to set my phone down before it had a chance to ring.
If you have never experienced someone waiting for a missionary, it is one of the most challenging things in the world. I say challenging because it isn’t heartbreaking in the way losing a loved one is. It does have a silver lining, but you have to be very trusting in your faith.
Sometimes this trust feels like it betrays you. I have known so many girls that have waited for a year to find out that the relationship they had is no longer what it used to be and the man they thought they would marry is meant to marry someone else. I have heard too many stories of relationships that can’t make it through the waiting stage and it breaks my heart. I never want a missionary waiter to feel discouraged though. Along with the lost stories, I have heard of great triumph!
I have heard of those who after two years of conversation limited to Monday emails and random letters that they were able to embrace each other once again and now are bound by the soul through marriage.
There is a rumor that speaks about how long distance relationships never work out and I alert you to just how false that is! Long distance relationships force you through a process that “regular” relationships never really try. I have learned great trust from waiting. It helps that he is meeting with families, most of who don’t have teenage daughters, to preach about our Savior instead of hanging out at a club with his bros. Either way, it takes trust.
Trust that he isn’t doubting me or the feelings that we share. Trust that despite the distance he hasn’t given up hope. Trust and patience. Patience that one day we will see each other again after 730+ days of being apart. Patience that I will email back after my long day so that I haven’t missed speaking to him. It’s taught me how to communicate. When all you have are short moments in time to say all that you want to, you have to learn what is worth talking about and what is only a trouble of the moment. It has taught me that sometimes what you type is not what the other person reads. Waiting has brought to my attention that speaking your mind and most importantly your heart are so important. You must challenge each other.
What scares you about waiting?
What fears do you have about when I return?
What do you want to make your future after college look like?
Tough questions that make you wonder what your heart is truly telling your brain. It builds this relationship solely on truly intellectual feelings and not physical attributes. It forces you to be strong in your faith and to dive into what the scriptures are teaching us. I have never been so open about and close to my faith until he left for his mission. Now, I spend my free time reading scriptures and my nights praying before I drift into soft slumber.
Two weeks before leaving, my missionary came clean about how he felt about me. After countless dates, I wasn’t sure if I could date someone I saw as a friend for so long. At some point, something clicked and I realized that I would be a fool not to try. For those that know us, no, we never dated. We aren’t together now. But we are hoping for a future that allows us to try. I have dated since he left and he has hoped for my happiness, no matter who it may be with.
June 5 is when I get to talk to my best friend again on a regular basis. Until then I wait by my phone for an email every Monday and in that moment it seems like the world has stopped spinning. I think about this grand welcoming I want to throw for when he returns. I look at my town and my friends differently - seeing them through shades of when he left and what they have become. I list every great movie that he just has to watch and any songs that are worth listening to. I keep note of all the new slang that has come up or trends that he may have never heard of.
I keep the mindset that I am not Mormon and this future relationship may not last, but that I am willing to try. I am willing to try for a relationship that has tested me beyond my wildest imagination. I am willing to put my heart on the line for something that may not work out. I am excited to be reunited with the person that isn’t afraid to ask me anything, laughs at my hilarious (stupid) jokes, and have him by my side. I (am not so) patiently waiting to see what God may have in store for us.
I get support from my family and friends. I also have an amazing support group from other girls going through the same process on Facebook’s Diaries of a Missionary Girlfriend page which they were kind enough to accept me to. These girls have such a strong group.
On my darkest nights, they remind me just how many blessings the wait offers all of us. So we have said, Happy Waiting! For all of you waiting for a missionary to come home, I remind you that it’s so worth it. It’s worth every tear you cry when you want to pick up the phone to call them and realize you can’t.
It is worth the moments when you look around and you are reminded that he/she should be there with you. It’s worth being “single” for two years. It teaches us to trust, to be patient, to communication, and to come closer to God. It’s all worth it. Just keep counting down the days until he/she returns home.