Dear Dad,

I remember the day as if it was yesterday. It started with denial when I called for you from the bottom of my staircase. Mom’s face was pale like that of a ghost. Before the unfortunate news was explained to me, I already knew. The thickening air filed with grief was enough to lend me enough clues to the circumstance that I was forcefully put in to.

I remember sitting on the couch with Mom’s arm wrapped around my small frame, pulling me closer with each breath. When she told me I wasn’t very shocked, just disappointed. I made myself believe that the heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach was wrong. Hearing the words crumble from out between her lips just proved the voice in the back of my mind right. At first I didn’t shed a tear, just stared at the large old TV directly across from me. Then the tears flowed like rivers from my tear ducts. The water droplets made seas of complete sadness, a sensation that seems unbearable.

I wanted you back, sitting next to me. I still long for that feeling of your fatherly touch, but obviously that’s impossible. So, here’s my letter to you, so you understand that there’s not a day that fly’s by where you are not on my mind.

Sometimes I feel a breeze pass me by and it’s not any normal breeze, it’s as if the breeze has familiar secret glow to it, one only I can see. In these little moments I feel your presence. I want to call out and say various things, anything that will bounce off the top of my mind.

After loosing you, I realized so much about life in general. I learned that the hands of time are always different and that they do not stop or wait for anyone. I learned that the hands of death do not feel remorse. Life goes by quickly. Experiencing this and coming to this type of understanding at a young age was so difficult and traumatic. But, if this has taught me anything else it would be it’s always a good time to tell someone you love them.

The night before you passed away we got in an argument. I have no idea what it was about. I have no idea why it happened. What I do know though, was that I have never regretted anything more in my life than arguing with you. The last words I said to you were not out of love, but out of anger. I carry that with me still and all I could do is hope that you know that I always loved you. I guess I learned a lesson from that; you have no idea when your loved ones will no longer be there, so it’s best if you work things out. To this day I still hate arguments.

I found a lot of your traits in myself. I’m just as stubborn as you were. I like to figure out things myself, for I feel more accomplished. I enjoy being independent. Sometimes I have trouble asking for help, but that is something that I am currently working on.

I’m also a pretty laid back person. I don’t dwell on the little things, which is something that you definitely taught me. I learn to let little set backs go and look at the larger, more abstract picture. I like to laugh and try to make everyday memorable. Mom always tells me that I took on your sense of humor. I am thankful for these traits, but I do wish you were here to share them with me.

Throughout the course of my life after you died, I learned that I’m stronger than what I think I am. I can’t describe the confusion, the pain, and the anger I felt and still feel from your death. It still doesn’t feel real most of the time. It became a routine of accepting that it happened, but when I really sit down and think in depth, it’s as if a grief stricken train is striking me all over again. I feel like I am back at square one, stuck in an ongoing rut of sadness, but I learned to let that pass. I learned to revert back to being okay and letting myself understand that you are physically not coming back, but I can always find you in everyday things.

I’m reminded of you constantly. It could be a home cooked meal presented by mom, with the aroma of a flavorful dish surrounding the kitchen or splashing around in a newly opened, freezing pool on a scorching summer day. Whatever it is, I could always feel you right above me smiling down.

I’m not sure if you know this, but you’re the reason why I’m currently in college for writing. I remember that night on the living room floor while mom was out with her friends. We sat on the floor together. Drawling and Writing tools surrounded us. For the whole night we took our markers and crayons and wrote and illustrated stories. Now, I still cannot draw, but because of you I found my passion for writing. I have you to thank for showing me a unique way to express my imagination and ideas.

Before I end this, I just want you to know that I understand I make mistakes and I am sorry if they have ever hurt and/or disappointed you. I wanted you know that I am trying everyday to grow and be a better person. All I want is to make you proud of the daughter that you helped raise.

Everyday I miss you even more than the day before and everyday I feel closer to you. So, I just wanted to thank you for being the best father a girl could ever ask for. Words can’t describe how much you impacted my life and how much you still do. I love you to the moon and back, forever and always. Until I see you again, I’m always thinking about you.

Love forever,

Your Daughter