Dear Mom and Dad,
You guys are great. Really, you are. You are easygoing, fun, and understanding. There is no tension between us, we don’t fight, and I really enjoy spending time with both of you. But, seriously, going from living with forty sorority sisters to living with the two of you is slowly, but surely, killing me.
The first thing I need to address with you is the food situation. What
is all this sugar-free, organic, all natural food? Can’t a girl get a fruit
roll up and some hot pockets?! In high school, our freezer was loaded with corn
dogs, waffles, and dinosaur chicken nuggets. I could always count on double stuffed Oreos, Cheez-its, and a giant bag of Doritos in the pantry.
Now, both the freezer and the pantry are filled with organic junk. I would rather eat nothing, than that stuff.
Second, you have to stop judging me for binge watching Netflix. If
watching eight hours of Orange Is The New Black is wrong, I don’t want to be
right. And for the love of God, stop telling me to read a book, instead. It is
not the same thing.
Dad, this one only applies to you: Please do not mow the lawn at 8 a.m. on Saturday morning. You know I work Monday through Friday and wake up at the
crack of dawn, so please let me sleep in on Saturday morning. While I
understand that, “the lawn isn’t going to mow itself,” can’t it wait?
Mom, special shout out to you. I can honestly say I didn’t know
someone could ask so many questions in one sentence. “Did you clean your room,
make your bed and unload the dishwasher? Can you pick up eggs from the grocery
store? Do you know where your father is? What time are you going to be home?
Who are you with?” I don’t even think you take a breath when you rattle off
three thousand questions to me. A lot of times you ask me so many questions
that I don’t even remember the first few that you asked. So do us both a
favor and pump the brakes on the questions.
Also, for the sake of this family, do not read my texts. That just has bad news
written all over it. I know it is annoying that I leave my phone on the
countertop and it starts buzzing from text messages, but do not read them - especially
if it’s a group text between my best friends. If you read those messages, you
will never look at my friends or I the same. I’m trying to help you here, so
trust me.
Lastly and, most importantly, I know you eat my avocados and don’t
replace them, leaving me avocado-less at some of the most important times in my
life. This is a serious problem and it needs to stop.
I love you guys a lot, and I know I’m not the perfect person to live with, but please take these things into consideration. Don’t worry, I’ll
be gone in seven weeks. Not that I’m counting or anything.
Xoxo,
Sofi
