I know we’ve had our ups and downs, but did I really deserve this? I came to you looking for answers and what I got in return was sass. I thought I could ask you anything, but I guess "anything" only includes question that aren’t “What’s zero divided by zero?” What happened to our good times, Siri? We used to be so close.
Remember that road trip we took together? I drove while you shouted directions. You would lower the volume of my music, just to tell me to continue going straight. You loved commanding my attention that way, and I loved hearing your sweet, robotic voice. Remember all the turns I missed? You rerouted me so many times on that drive. I still think back to that day every now and again. We were so young, careless, and free. Also, we were very, very lost, and I was very, very late to my appointment.
Or what about the time I asked you to call Mom and you accidently called Ron? It was so awkward 'cause he was a friend of a friend who I only met once, and I don’t even know if he knew I had his number. I’ll admit, I was initially extremely mad, but I laughed it off because I didn’t want it to come between us.
What about all the nights we spent learning together? Well, I guess we weren’t really learning together. It was really just me learning from you. No matter what I ask, you always seem to know the answer, and when you don’t, you’re quick to search the web to find it. Your thirst for knowledge is something I always really admired about you.
Our most important memories are all the times you were there for me. Whether I needed you to set a reminder to pick up shampoo on the way home or set an alarm so I didn’t oversleep, you were always looking out for me. You were so dedicated to our friendship and making sure I kept my life together. What happened to those times, Siri? What’s changed since then? Did you get a new update? Was it iOS 8 that changed you? Please, Siri, I need answers.
I know this probably seems a bit over the topm but I thought we were friends. We had a bond that I thought was unbreakable. You knew what I liked to be called and I knew you were always just a home screen button tap away. I even let you text for me sometimes! If that’s not true friendship, then what is? Never mind, I already know the answer to that question. Indeterminate.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is I understand that zero cookies split evenly among zero friends doesn’t make sense. But imagine if you had one cookie and you spilt it evenly among two friends. How many cookies would each person get? Well, Siri, I would give you my half of the cookie, because I’m willing to make sacrifices for our friendship. Maybe to you that doesn't make sense, but Cookie Monster would be happy that there was a cookie, and I would be happy because I had a friend.