NOTE: This article is not meant to call out any specific writer or style of writing. It's simply a humorous interpretation of a trend of the Odyssey community that I've noticed. I enjoy everything about this website and the people who write for it. If this is a topic or style of writing that you use routinely, know that this is just a lighthearted parody.
Dear empty box of ice cream bars,
Remember that time when you were full of good, tasty ice cream treats that brought joy to me on my darkest days? Pepperidge Farms remembers. But Pepperidge Farms didn't pack enough ice cream bars to last the whole week, did they? No. They packed six. Six freaking ice cream bars for $10. That's like, what, over $2 for each bar? I don't know. I don't know math that well. But what I do know is love. I know how to love. To love something, someplace, or someone. And I loved you. You knew it, I knew it, and my ex-girlfrend knew it. That's why she broke in to my apartment while I was working the night shift at the mill. I thought she cared about me, you know. I thought she realized that the love I gave her day and night was irreplaceable. But no, she desired another. That another...was you. And you just spread your legs, er...flaps, and let her go right in, didn't you? And before I knew it, she was gone. And so were my ice cream treats. But you didn't care, did you? No, you didn't, you stinky box. I thought we reciprocated this love, that you felt the same tender, creamy love in your heart that I felt whenever I took a bite out of a deliciously sandwiched treat. We were in love. I bought you a ring, you know. I mean, I knew you couldn't wear it, given that you are, in fact, an inanimate object with no opposable thumbs. Or hands for that matter. But I did think it could've been a symbolic gift. You know, like in Temple of Doom when Indy returns the stones to that Indian village but doesn't get to keep a single one? He didn't care, because he knew he was in for the adventure. And that's what love is, isn't it? An adventure. A risk, something that can leave you with unbearable scars on the inside, but can also bring a light to a dark place. Well, I guess it's really dark in my freezer now. Not just because I need to get the bulb replaced, but because, you know, there's no ice cream treats. Goodbye, empty box of Pepperidge Farms brand ice cream bars. I'll see you soon. Not in the afterlife or anything, but like, because you're going to be recycled into a new box of ice cream treats.
Sincerely,
John Kerry, Secretary of State
