To my (first) college crush,
If I'm being completely honest, I do not know where to start. We've been out of each other's lives for such a long time. Over the course of those months, we've drastically changed — almost to the point where I don’t recognize us anymore. It’s something that we both needed. In fact, without our evolution, I don't think we'd appreciate our current selves. We were oblivious. We were so young and caught up in our commonalities. Ultimately, it was our downfall.
From the moment I first saw you, I knew you were somebody that I had to meet. However, being my reserved self, I walked away that day with nothing more than quick glances in my direction. Our formal introduction did not come until several months later when a third party forced our interaction. Instantly, we clicked. We talked for hours about our similar lives and our weird connections, as our third party walked among us silent. In that moment, I did not know what I was getting myself into. I believe that this was another common theme in our lives. We were both clueless.
From that day forward, we continued to connect over what seemed to be our endless mutual similarities. Although, each day, we persisted in ignoring the red flags. Despite our ability to be engulfed in each other's attention, we both wanted different things. More importantly, we needed very different things. I needed to find myself and you required somebody who already knew. I needed stability and you needed adventure. The list could go on, but in the end the answer is the same. You and I were not meant to be.
Personally, I've grown up a lot since we last talked. The girl you knew was still attempting to adjust to this culturally diverse world. She feared rejection and not being good enough — especially for you. Based on our hour-long talks, I’m sure you're well aware as to who's to blame. But this letter is not to reap on that, instead I’d like to thank you. Because despite your coldness to me as things unexpectedly ended, you were a page of my life that needed to be experienced.
In order to move forward and progress into the individual that I am proud of being today, I had to experience you. I had to learn that it was okay to be vulnerable with someone again (even if I did not fully reach that level with you). I needed to know that with another individual anything is possible. Your touch made me believe that attraction has power. It has the ability to awaken someone again and make them believe that their life has purpose. You taught me that being good enough for someone does not exist; however, chemistry does. We didn't work out and that's okay. Because if we had, I would still be sheltered by your affection. Chances are you would try to shelter me from the world and my over-bearing high expectations. But you can't, and indeed no one can.
I am independent because of our ending, but to me it is a new beginning. Our failure made me understand what I am able to accomplish and that in order to achieve my dreams, it's solely up to me. At one time, I thought that I needed your care, but what I really needed was to meet you. By meeting you three hours away from home —which in reality is a ten minute drive— I realized crucial pieces to myself that no one but me could discover.
Thank you for letting me go. Thank you for allowing me to shed old pieces of myself that are no longer pertinent to my life. Without your kind embrace the first few days of college, I fear that I would still be lost. Because of you, I realized that I don't need you. I don't need any boy. I am complete or at least in the process of being all on my own. Every day I have the opportunity to be free and discover another aspect to myself. I couldn't have done it without your contribution.
I wish you nothing but the best.
Sincerely,
Your (first) college crush.
