An Open Letter To The Easter Bunny

It’s that special time of year again when we worship a bunny that has something to do with Jesus Christ and lays eggs in his free time. People might gather with friends and family, attend mass, or fertilize some eggs—we love our eggs here in America!

Dear Lil Bunny aka Lil Rabbi’, for this year’s egg hunt, please read my listicle and provide the following by Sunday at midnight:

An Actual Bunny

I’m sorry. Did you say it’s an Easter Egg Hunt? Where’s my egg-laying bunny? I demand a real prize in this inflated economy where I can’t actually purchase anything with the 15 cents you put in my plastic oval egg you got from Party City. I don’t ask for any specifications except that it is plump and alive. He doesn’t even have to know that he’s being exploited by another human being who only wants to possess it and use it for emotional dependencies.

A Loan Benefactor

I don’t care if its check or card or in the form of a sugar daddy, but I’m broke and I need help to pay off $30k in college loans. Preferably in a below-average amount of time—maybe 30-40 years—would be ideal!

Motivation

Dear Easter Bunny, I’m not asking for much—just a little push to get me out of bed! As the end of the semester is nigh, my energy is depleting faster than Trump’s cabinet. Screw therapy or exercise or some healthy communication with my peers, I want to give a crap and I want it now!

True Friends

Instead of having to do the work of making direct eye contact and getting to know their favorite type of pillow, Easter Bunny can just figure it all out for me. I’m not picky about friends—just have them be talented/funny/ambitious/adventurous/silly/smart/loyal/cultured/honest/good height/fair shoe size/in close proximity/have normal sized ear lobes. So basically everything I aspire to be.

The Heads Of My Enemies

In this way, I will be able to make sure that conspirators can’t ruin my life any longer. Their decapitated heads (incapacitated by a licensed beheading professional) will give me the reassurance I need to continue on in my path to love and happiness. I intend to hang (ha ha) their stuffed heads over my burning fireplace. First off, I must make some enemies!

A Decent Credit Score

I don’t own a credit card. I don’t even know what a credit score really is, except that you can buy a house maybe one day after you die. It may just be an exclusive sports game where you gain credit instead of goals—who knows, who cares! Nevertheless, I’ve read a lot of blinking, colorful ads on the internet that tell me I need a good credit score. I think out of all the bunnies, the Easter one has to be the most financially literate—look how many eggs he has! He’s the top 1% of domestic animals. He probably works at a credit card company and drinks religiously from the office Keurig! I'd trust that guy with my life savings.

An End To Deforestation

Hey Easter Bunny, you should stop global warming, because if not, you will most likely die! It is estimated that in 100 years there will be no more rainforests, which provide vital resources such as medicines and do things like ABSORB C02. It would be beneficial if the planet's inhabitants stopped cutting down its finite life source and killing our animals in the process.

Chocolate

I thought I’d throw something normal in the basket to give you options.

Sincerely,

Emma Estrada,

a very disgruntled Easter participant.