As I sit here repeatedly typing words and then deleting them, trying to figure out how to put my thoughts and experiences into words, part of me wonders if I should write about you. My mind keeps shifting between whether or not you are worth the time. Not just now, but also the time I have spent on you instead of investing in friendships or family relations.
I wonder if you are worth the self-doubt you can instill in me, worth the rejections, worth the lectures I have had to sit through about you. I’ve submissively told you "it’s fine" so that I could get on with the rest of my day. Part of me wonders if I should fight for you, or just say goodbye and part ways.
But then part of me wonders, how could I not fight for you? Because my teacher told me when I was 16 that I shouldn’t and probably couldn't? That you and I could never work together? "It's not you, it's me" has never been more prevalent because I felt brainwashed into thinking I could never succeed with you. What about the times when you have given me more joy than anything else in the world, or the times that we went together so seamlessly that I told myself I would never give up on us, that we were perfect for each other?
When everybody told me that I needed to make a backup plan for every letter of the alphabet because you probably wouldn’t come through for me, it started to seep into my mind every second. Some days all I could think about was what if we have to break up? What if we were just having a good run and that soon we were going to meet our crushing end? The amount of times my parents told me to just let you become a part of my past because you wouldn’t give me the life they wanted me to have made me realize how much more I wanted us to move on and not give up on each other.
Oh dear Dreamer, don’t let the quitters invade your passionate mind. Try to realize that there is a world out there that will try to tear you down, that will try to shatter your dreams, but we must realize that this is an opportunity to rise to the occasion, to pursue our dreams not only for ourselves, but also for those who let the rest of the world decide for them that none of it was worth it.
Dreamer, keep in mind the time you willingly invested because you knew it was. All the self-confidence you gained, the notions of approval you have received, the words you have strung together to convince yourself that the others were wrong. Remember the time you fought a little extra and it paid off.
