Anyone else feel like all they’ve done so far this year is homework?
A week ago Sunday, I was studying for my genetics test. I felt so overwhelmed, anxious and worried. The week before, I had 3 exams and 3 lab reports due, among lecture videos and other homework. I felt like I had no energy left to study for this test and never had time to do anything but homework.
I studied all day until basketball, and took advantage of that hour and a half of open gym to give my brain a rest. Right after, I picked up right where I left off. 9:30 pm rolled around, and I realized I hadn’t really made any progress in my studying. Out of the three packets of lecture notes, I had barely gotten through one of them, and even then I felt like I didn’t know it well. But worship was at 10 pm, and at that point, I felt like I needed to spend some time with God over studying, so I went to Vespers (our worship service at Bethel).
The whole time, I felt like there was a block between God and me. No matter how much I tried to focus on praising God and leaving all my fears with Him, I just couldn’t. At this point I might as well have stayed back and studied.
As soon as I got back, I continued to study, but the worry and stress only accumulated. I could only think about how much I didn’t know. Looking at the test from the year before, I thought if I took the test right then I would be lucky to get 10 percent. At about 2 am, I reached the breaking point. I called my mom and just lost it. I told her I didn’t know anything and that quickly escalated to me saying I wanted to switch my major- the first time I’ve ever said this. I told her there was no way I would be able to get into med school and I had no chance of being a surgeon. I think living at home and quitting school even crossed my mind at one point. It’s crazy how many lies you can let the devil fill you with after you believe one lie.
I kept telling myself I needed to give it to God and trust Him with this. But what did that even mean at this point? How in the world was I supposed to trust Him to help me get an A on this test when my test was in five hours and I hadn’t a clue in the world what was going on? Trusting God seemed pretty ridiculous at this point.
My mom came and picked me up at 2:30 in the morning to help me stay awake and I went home for the first time since I had left for school. She stayed up all night with me and made me pasta. It was clear to me pulling an all-nighter was inevitable at this point, and even then I still wouldn’t feel prepared. I can’t say I had ever actually stayed up all night studying before. I continued to keep worrying about everything. If I pulled an all-nighter, how would I ever catch up on sleep when I’ll have a ton of homework due Tuesday? How will I get the rest of my homework done for the week? How will I function? I had no idea how I would get through the next day, as I had either class or basketball from 7:30 am-7:05 pm I studied and studied, but all I wanted to do was sleep and give up on everything all together.
At 5:23 am, I decided it was time for a power nap. I had my mom wake me up at 5:50, and I felt even more tired than before. My body felt so weak. This can’t be real life. I forced my eyes open and plopped my PowerPoint notes in front of my face. Maybe if I just stare at this blankly God will magically help me remember this.
We left my house at 6:45 am, and I pulled out my notes in the car. I remembered how much I still didn’t know and began to worry again. So I closed my notes and pulled out my bible instead. I turned to Matthew 6:25-34. Verse 34 reads, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” This is what I had been doing the whole time. I had been looking at tomorrow, at the next day and at the rest of the week. When I began to look at all my tasks ahead of me, I realized I couldn’t do it. But when we look at what God wants us to do today and let God worry about tomorrow, we can accomplish every thing God wants us to. I am one that likes to be in control of what I have to do and I like to look ahead and know all of my tasks for the week. But this semester I know I will have to give all of that to God. When we look at the top of the mountain, it seems so high up, so far away and out of reach. But when we look at our feet in front of us, each step isn’t so bad, and God will carry us to the top of that mountain.
As I arrived at my test, I felt a sense of peace. Our professor prayed for us before our test, which made me relax even more. I took my test and felt pretty confident after. God had my back after all. That night I went to bed at 9:30 pm and didn’t have to do any homework for the next day. I didn’t worry about a thing I would have to do tomorrow, I only thought about how God had redeemed me and gave me rest for that day.
