My new year’s resolutions begin during the season of my birthday because that makes perfect sense, right? I ponder of everything I did during an X period.
Something about aging makes me conscious about what I accomplish during my lifetime. It's a deceptively complex part of life; good thing, for remaining in a phase doesn’t give you the opportunity to appreciate it as itself. When I look back on my life, I don’t necessarily see my childhood as the “good old days” because old doesn’t mean that it’s good and those weren’t my only good days. I remember wanting things to be a certain way and I couldn't get them because my mom didn't want to; I suppose wanting to be little again is wanting to escape problems. Good days are now, despite life sending adversities my way. Now that I am discovering and re-discovering who I am, what I stand for and where I want my life to be headed, I wouldn't change any part of it.
I used to believe aging is the scariest thing that could happen to me: the minute I turned 15 I thought I was a young woman with the world to conquer. I started wearing makeup and heels and my eyebrows no longer looked like two caterpillars. Looking at pictures from my pseudo emo 2007 phase, I felt old, I felt as if I didn't have time to pursue new habits and talents. By the time I was 17, I was constantly comparing my life to what I see in movies, disappointed that life isn't as simple as those characters portray. I remember waiting to be done with senior year and move for college, that my life would instantly get better as soon as I stepped out of my grandparents's house and the town I lived in. However, I was appreciating how time has developed my character, both physically and mentally.
I am now 19, on my second year of college, and some days I feel like I still don’t have a sense of purpose. I complain about my amounts of homework. I go through an existential crisis from time to time. I cry when I feel upset. I still love Harry Potter like I did in 7th grade. I am still naïve. I am only growing up. I will never stop growing up. I am nervous for what's ahead of me. Nevertheless, I don't beat myself to death for not having a tangible life plan because in a few months from now I will have something else in mind about what I want to do. I do my best to embrace everything life will bring to me, even when nothing is in my favor. I am happy to turn 19 because it means a year wiser, a year to accomplish anything I set my mind to.
What is ahead of me is unknown, I still don't understand what makes me want to grow up. Unfortunately, this isn't a decision of mine to make. What is a decision of mine to make, however, is how I take advantage of my time. My only wish is to remain optimistic; God only knows where I would've been if I lost my hope in everything.
