Everyone has a past. In fact, five minutes ago is already the past. Yesterday was the past. I'm talking about your haunting past. Your exes past. Your lost best friends and your family fights. I'm someone who is guilty of running from my past. I've seen a lot, been through a lot and in all honesty, I've also done a lot. I have fallen short of forgiving who and what I should. I've fallen short of regretting and fully apologizing for the things I should have. I'm someone who forgets what I feel and pushes aside anything remotely close to a relationship with almost anyone. If it's out of thought and not in sight, why would I even play with the idea? Do you ever feel like you're the only ones who think this? "This" is what I'm talking about.
Dear Parents,
I forgive you for the things that have happened. Although you divorced so young, I never held that against you. I know both of you. You did us all a favor, with your divorce. Being in split households never was the problem. Quite frankly, I enjoyed it. It was almost an escape for a second. Dad, I forgive you. I don't forget, and I'm still working on a full forgive, but I forgive you. Thank you for always letting me complain and treating me as an adult, even when I wasn't. I've always known more than I should and been wiser than my age, and this isn't something you let pass by. I will always appreciate you for that. Mom, to say we've had our disagreements is the understatement of my life. I'm sorry for the hurt I caused you being rebellious at such a young age. I'm sorry for all the anger and resentment I've shown through my life. But, I forgive you for your actions and the way you handled situations. You've always tried to support me to the fullest, whether I thought you were or not. To both of you, we're all three different people. I have both your tempers and stubbornness. I know you both love me and are proud of the independent person I've become. I thank you both for life.
Dear "First Love,"
Although I still haven't forgiven you much, you taught me a lot so young. As my best friend for years before, you were in and out. I didn't agree with the things you did but I knew who you were on the inside. Somewhere between lock-up, drugs and your lifestyle, you lost that person. Although I knew deep down the new you, I wanted nothing to do with, I loved you. I loved who you were before. You took more from me than you could ever imagine. You took so much more than you know. I knew if I someday sat across from you, only then could you know the pain you have caused. Something is different when it's us, something in you is different. I broke up with you five years ago and those were our last words. I know they must stay that way only for the weakness I have when it comes to you. But, I thank you for giving me strength and showing me what it's like to be the only one who can pick yourself back up. I thank you for letting me know how to truly love myself and that others don't matter. You made me fight so hard for a cause I'm so passionate about now. Because of you, I know exactly what I want and don't want. I honestly can't thank you enough.
Dear "Ex-Best Guy Friend,"
We had a lot of good times and some great stories. For the longest time, you were my support system, my backbone, my number one, my biggest secret and my favorite person. But, there was such a dark side. I don't enjoy who you were at times, but you had so many demons. Although you didn't handle them appropriately, I forgive you. I wish you the best and hope your demons are gone. Good luck in your future and I hope the hate that resides in your heart for so many things disappears.
Dear Old High School Friends,
The four of us do not speak.
To the first and longest friend: For the longest time, I resented you. We graduated and you turned to a completely different person. You hurt everyone in your path. I remember the day I got the call you that you'd been caught with the other's boyfriend, freshman year of college. I will never forgive you for the hurt I heard in her voice, or seeing you at another guy's house that same day. Thank you for taking the second one out of my life, though, I'm sure he was great for you. Although, I can't honestly say I forgive you for everything you did. I can say I hope now that you have your own family, that you're happy and that you've changed. I hope you instill the values and presences you once consumed yourself.
I'm sorry to the second friend. I let work get in the way, but I was so stuck. I know what it meant to you and I let you down. For that, I am sorry. I hope school is going great and I hope you all the best. I'm sorry for my wrongdoing.
Roommate, big, best friend, biggest supporter, shoulder to cry on, diary, mother, partner-in-crime and so much more. These are the adjectives I would have used to describe you. Somewhere in the boys and drama, we let it all go. I will always thank you for our good times and shared memories. All the inside jokes that pop up on TimeHop and screenshots. I'm sorry for the words I spoke and the temper I didn't control. I'm sorry for the frustration I still have and anger that still builds in me. I'm also sorry for the support I refuse to now give. But, I forgive you for never admitting when you're in the wrong and for the apology I will never receive. I forgive you for all the lies that have come from nowhere and for the betrayal I've found out about. For now, we have come to a common ground where we don't speak and I will not apologize or bow down to you anymore. I do not hold any hard feelings and there's no ill will. I hope one day, you find the one thing that truly makes you happy. On that day, I know he will then be the only one who can help. I truly wish you the best and hope your life becomes everything you have ever hoped for it to be.
To the One I Loved But Didn't Know It,
Although you're now gone, I still think about you constantly. There isn't a moment I don't still wish you were here. In such a short time, I learned so much from you and I will always carry it with me. I visit you regularly and they're my favorite moments. I hope you're having a blast doing what you do. I don't know what we'll say to each other when we meet again, but if it's anything like it was down here, I can't wait. I miss your laugh and your voice all in one. I could go on with the 30-item list that just went through my head of everything I miss. But, I'm sorry and forgive you for the exact same thing. I'm sorry I suck at loving. I'm sorry I never told you. I'm so sorry for being who I am and being such a difficult person to love. But, I forgive you for being just as difficult and for never saying it, either. I thank you for leaving it up to everyone else because had it come from you, this would be so much easier and 10 thousand times more difficult. I can't wait to feel your beard again one day, and listen to your oh-so-feminine laugh fill the air. You truly were an amazing soul.
No matter what you past is, embrace it, forgive it and accept it. It makes us who we are today.
