I want you to think back. Maybe a year or two, maybe five or six, maybe ten or twenty or thirty. Pick a time, pick a place, pick a you. Now, I want you to take a good, long look at that you that you've chosen, and then also take a long look at the you who is you right now. Now, I want you to make a list of ways in which those two yous are similar, and ways in which you are so completely different that you have to take a moment to stare into space and say, to nobody in particular, "oh man, was that really me back then?"
It's hard, isn't it? It's hard because yes, that IS you from way back then. It's good to know that. This isn't a piece about moving on from parts of our lives; I feel like I already see plenty of great examples of those out there. No, this is more about looking back on that older self and giving yourself the perspective check that we all need sometimes.
As you look back, you will probably notice that the changes that have occured in you as a person fall into a pair of basic categories; those that have occured naturally over time, and those that occured because you made them happen. We're reaching a point where society is increasingly embracing the message of "be yourself, love yourself," and that's a good thing. Sometimes that means not trying to be something you're not, but at other times, it means working to become a more true version of yourself.
I give you Jay circa 2013. I almost hate him as much now as I did then!
Reinvention can come in a lot of ways. For me, the big transition was through the end of 2013 and then into 2014. I've had some self-esteem issues for most of my life, and that was an era when they really came to a head. I hated the way I looked, the way I sounded when I talked, and the way I interacted around others. After wallowing in that state for a while, once my first Spring semester in college ended, I stepped away to take a long look at myself. I started thinking about what I could do to make myself be more what I wanted myself to be.
"Well," said 2014 Jay, "perhaps things shall change if I floofen my scalp."
It's not easy just because you identify what you want to change. I wanted to start being more outgoing, but also do a more genuine job of acknowledging the fact that sometimes I like being by myself for a few days, and that's okay. I wanted to get myself to not panic so much over meeting new people, and over making sure they liked me. I spent a lot of time in my first year of college trying to tighten friendships with people whose company I enjoyed, but not knowing how to actually do so. I was honestly really lonely for a while, and I knew it was a kind of loneliness that nobody could pull me out of but myself.
I wanted to chill, basically. I also wanted to start dressing better, which was the easier part, I suppose. Hell, eventually I even started styling my hair. Sometimes, the little things go a long way.
It's a long road. You take three steps forward, one step back, two more forward. You tell a barber to give you a buzzcut, and then spend the next two months wearing hats in order to conceal your mistake. You start making efforts to be more forward and hang out with people. That leads to you and some people you becoming way closer than ever before, but might also lead to you looking differently at other friendships in your life. Maybe you break something while building something else. You could be doing anything from trying to improve your outlook on life to embracing your gender identity or sexuality; it wouldn't be transformation if it were easy to predict, after all. It's all part of being the friend to yourself that you would want your friends to be to you. We all evolve from different things into different things, and all have stories worth sharing. We have all been many selves. Life is a journey, and none of us stand still as we pass through it.
Goodness, that sure did get deep. Don't worry, I'm sure next week I'll be back to writing about cartoons or something.
