I want to know exactly what went through your mind when my mother told you that she was pregnant with me, was it excitement, fear, what was it? Did you feel anything at all, I know that I was your first child, but seriously? I'm starting to think that you didn't care about the pregnancy, I'm sure of this. 

You left my mom and you left me. You left your first born without hesitation, do you know how that made me feel growing up? I feel like there's something wrong with me because you didn't want to stay, I feel like I wasn't worth trying. You made me feel worthless, like I was nothing. It was so hard not having you around, I always felt like I was missing out on something. All of my friends had both parents around and I really envied that. It's what I wanted. I received so many questions about you and I didn't know how to answer them. How do you explain to someone that you were abandoned just as a baby, it's not that simple. So I never talked about you, you were a secret and I tried forgetting that you were even a person. It killed me.

I wanted so bad to have a relationship with you, but I was the only one. So I decided to turn my longing into anger and rage, I grew to hate you with my entire being. I no longer avoided the questions about you, I was open and honest. I let people know that you weren't around and that you didn't care about me. I hated you, I wanted you in my god damn life. I wanted answers. I have to accept the fact that I won't get them. Maybe you were struggling and just couldn't be there, I'm sure you had your own problems at the time. I want to believe that you had a good reason, I want to convince myself this. 

I'm tired of being mad at you, I want to change that. 

With reluctance I'm here right now to say that I forgive you. I forgive you for your absence. I want you to know that I think about you everyday, I wonder if you're healthy, if you're doing okay, I really hope you are.

I would also like to say thank you. Thank you for making me stronger, you’ve showed me that I don’t NEED anyone to make me happy, never again will I allow my happiness to lie in the hands of another person, especially one that isn’t guaranteed to stick around. I’ve learned from your mistakes and I can assure you that I will not take after you, I will be better, I am better. So good luck to you and everything that lies in your future. I know that you have other kids so I just ask that you stay in their lives, don't put them through what I went through.

I hope that one day we can chat and I'll finally receive the answers that I've so desperately been looking for, but until then, goodbye.