Growing up as a child you don't see that your parent is any sort of addict because you don't understand what an addict is. It becomes more than just blind love while you get older and the whole thing just doesn't seem possible. The parent who had full custody of three children, the woman who worked full time to support herself and her family, became more than just a mother. No, not Supermom. As much as you, as a child, would love to say growing up. She became this alter ego of herself; seemingly normal like she was one stage and acting in front of an audience but the moment the curtains closed, so did her little show.
This mother, don't get me wrong, was never abusive physically or mentally. She was the shoulder you leaned on to cry and the person you talked to if your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with. The first person you ever came out to during a dinner date after a college test. Mom did almost the same things all mothers do - almost. By that, you mean, during the sixth grade your mother decided to move in with her new guy, an hour away, leaving you and your siblings confused as to why you didn't go. That's why dad is awesome because he took you into his small house with grandma and uncle.
After sixth grade graduation, you decide to move in with your mother because you miss her. The opportunity was grabbed by the horns and before you knew it, you were signing up at this new school and moving into some guy's house. Your siblings came along, too, but even though you have no bad experience with this place it's just seems perfect. Until you realize, years later, that your mother's boyfriend was mentally abusive to your, then four and nine years - old, sister and brother. Stupid, ret***ed, worthless, pathetic, the list goes on and it never really stopped. Mom knew about it but she was so blinded by both this love of hers and a prescription of pills and alcohol. She didn't care so she split them up, one with grandma and grandpa and the other with dad and his new wife, and her three kids.
We were divided but you were an only child for the first time in so long that you didn't' care. You didn't have a brother ruin your things or a sister to cry when you won't let her into your room. All of your mother's attention was on you. Sorta.
Now, lets skip middle school and go to a week before high school where you're so excited to start; with drama club auditions coming around the corner, sitting at the same lunch table with your friends, making awkward eye contact with that "then cute" guy in the back, and trying not to fail science. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, but your dad has some bad news. Your mother was kicked out of his house because of her addiction. Don't think that you didn't have a piece in it either because apparently you did. This guy and his family had gone through your things while no one was there, keeping it hush-hush. Not creepy, right? They came across this anime porn stashed beneath the dresser, and were shocked to see how graphic it was. Then this letter that described how you wanted to "murder" his niece. All of this was so confusing for you because the whole thing sounds like some early episode of an awful soap opera.
That letter never got to come across your eyes, no matter how much you begged to see it. That's because you never wrote a letter like that. The porn was an accident because it said anime on it when you borrowed it from a friend. Of course, they could have told you what it really was but it's whatever now.
It got worse for her and she needed to get it under control. He couldn't handle it anymore. Could you blame him? Yes. At the time you did because you saw him as the villain in this saga of Life of Brittany. Mother was the victim, just like you.
That was the first time you were forced out and it got ten times worse than just that. You went back after the first semester in your new school because mom went and you wanted your real friends in your life. You wanted your other half. It didn't matter how badly it messed you up in your noggin either.
The entire time mom was messed up over this guy, repeatedly calling him and leaving messages. She would sob all day and night even though her three children would try to cheer her up. You though, you became disgusted of this. This woman who's supposed to be strong and powerful was nothing more than a wounded mouse. There was no inspiration inside of her for the longest of time.
It was a year and a half of pure peace, on my half. Mom was able to cover herself for a lot of the time but you knew, somewhere deep in down inside of you, it was starting to get worse again. How do you know? Well, it starts off simple. He starts nit-picking at everything around the house; spends a lot of the time out in the garage doing his own thing, drinking bear. He's blaring music and blasting his video games loudly from downstairs. When you forget to do the dishes, for punishment you don't lose your phone. No that would be easy. Your bedroom loses electricity in the middle of the winter, with no insulation in the walls because the house is an old farm house. That's what the crime led to. Having no light or electric in your room.
The second time you get kicked out, it's during a long winter storm and the electric company comes and turns the electric out on a Friday night. It's just you and mom sitting in the cold, heatless house, trying to find food in the empty cupboards. How The Grince Stole Christmas felt like a reality. He went to his mother's house, a five minute drive away. His mother hated you two and wanted nothing to do with the two who were sitting in the house that her son called home. This woman fed him and let him have a hot shower, both of which you didn't have. He would stay overnight. When he did come home he was grumpy and angry.
You then moved out to your grandparent's house because it was a better idea; mom went to live with her mother. She did the same thing as last, only she started to hook up with men who lived down the street from him. The rumor got around that she got over him. Don't be fooled. She never will because the whole time she would go out to the bars, drive home late in the morning. She would steal pills from family members and they would have to hide their prescriptions when she'd come over. It was starting to become a sad story.
And what was worse that knowing all of this? It was the fact that she'd tell you all of the juicy details about dating this hot, rich guy who owned a house down South but came up North to his cabin in the Winter. You listened because you and your mom told each other everything. Everything good and bad was spoken between the two of you. Nothing was held back, at least that's how it appeared to be.
Can you guess what happens next? It's not that hard. I bet you can get it.
Yes, she moves back in.
Yes, not long after do you move back in too.
No questions about it because of your friends and that school. They made your life seem less fucked up.
First week of Senior year, the best year of high school to ever happen to an individual was here. You attended but then you went to Atlanta, Georgia to see Dragon Con, which by the way is out of this world. You're super excited when you get back to school because you have autographs from your friend's favorite actors and you are bubbling with joy when you give it to them. You spend more money on them than you do on you.
Now, listen here. You'll realize that the entire trip down South your mother never messaged you from home, nor would she answer you. It didn't seem odd since she usually used up her minutes before the end of the month.
You go to school for one day. One whole day. That was the best day ever, but you can't remember any of the good. It started to the night before when mom took so many pills that she wasn't lucid enough. You woke up before he could. Woke up in time to try and stop her from doing any of her craziness. You're scared and don't understand because you've never become face to face with this alter ego. This drug addict. The side of your mother that you denied.
Mother moved everything in the house at two o'clock in the morning. Moved the majority of the furniture outside in the yard, which is in the middle the back woods. She shoved chairs in the car; lost the keys so no one could get in, move his pills to a location she couldn't remember. The list goes on.
She can't even walk with stumbling to the side. She had to use anything around her to keep her from tilting over into the carpet. It's a disaster in the making.
Obviously, he wakes up from the loud bangs coming from the living room and he comes roaring out like a lion. Anger filled his veins as he started to yell at her. He cussed and yelled horrible things at your mother. So bad that it made the horror inside you grow until it felt like it had a life of its own.
The night gets swept away and you force your mother into your bed with you. You need to keep an eye on her just in case her tries something. His anger was so pure and forceful that you feared for your life.
You go to school the next day to hand out the signatures to your friends. As I'll say, again, they're overly excited just like you to have received the gift. Best. Day. Ever.
Lets mess that up. After school, you're home alone with him. Nothing seems out of the ordinary. You're sitting in the television room with your math work open and your eyes glued to Smallville on the TV. He's walking past you, acting normal. He's going upstairs and you hear banging. Okay. At the time you think he's working on the upstairs because that was his new project. Renovating the second floor. He comes down, carrying a plastic tub with him and it's filled with stuff. You don't look at it since you think it's tile or a part of the wall.
"You should have cleaned out your room," he tells you at one point, which you think nothing of it because you were planning on doing it before bed anyway.
You finish your work and it's a commercial. You head upstairs to get something and then you freeze. Your door is open. There's nothing inside your bedroom but a bare mattress and the empty dresser. Everything was gone; your cloths, your books, your photos of your deceased grandfather and others, your entire collection of comic books that took you forever to collect, your movies. Anything that was in there that wasn't his was gone.
Where, you might ask? Well, the entire time he was "cleaning" out the upstairs he was throwing the stuff from the plastic tub in a massive fire out by the barnyard. Everything you owned was being burned.
You become so angry that you're blindly screaming at him. You're asking him what he did and why. You cuss him out and call him a Man-Child. You grow a pair for that fake Fifteen Minutes of Fame.
He comes back at you with his anger spewing out of his mouth and he's calling you names. He gets in your face and shouts, "Do you want to see me be a child cause I'll act like one!" while raising his fist back. You think he's going to hit you. Don't worry he doesn't.
Mom comes home from work and asks what's going on because I'm bawling in the kitchen, trying to call someone. The service is terrible so your cellphone doesn't pick anything up for the longest of time. You tell her about him burning all of your things, and at first she doesn't seem to believe you. She goes upstairs to see if for herself and it hits her. There's no lie that he did it.
You want her to turn into SuperMom and come to your rescue. You want her to strike that hero pose and kick some butt.
Lets be honest here, this part probably will hurt you the most because mom takes a seat on the couch and there she remains while you and him are, again, face to face with each other. There's so much screaming and cussing and crying in what felt like a lifetime. Your soul practically shattered even more because this was the point where you knew there was no coming back. No turning back no matter how hard you wish that you could have continued out your high school year at your favorite school.
You live with your dad this time. Your dad, the real hero in all of this, came to your rescue each time. The goofy dad wanted to punch the guy in the face when he came to save you from the villain's fortress, but he resisted. Having one messed up parent was enough.
You left the house, leaving your mother with this mad man. You fear for her safety and continue to think about him hurting her when you're not there.
Nothing that night happens to her except the excuses she makes for him.
Let me tell you now, so I can try to wrap this up. Mom gets kicked out after three years. You refuse to talk to him or even see your mother when he's at the house. It takes so much time between each visit that it just feels like she doesn't exist on this planet anymore. You find out all about her addiction. You hear about her faking signatures. Faking aches. Calling in medication for the guy when he didn't need it. Finding people to give her, her drug of choice. It's really long but you get the point. She just got so bad.
Even to this day her life is in ruins. She's still obsessed with this guy. She's getting pulled over for, well, you can guess it. Drinking. Everything about her makes you wonder how can an adult not have their life together?
After all of your doubts about not being able to be worth anything, your life turns around for the better. Your life is okay. In the new school, you get a boyfriend. He's a good guy. Probably the best. You went to college for a year, met some of the most awesome people there and experienced things you never thought of. I'm talking about traveling to a gay bar in at midnight just to dance and have fun. You got your first job at Burger King. Yeah, it sounds like a horrible place but guess what! You run into more awesome people that make a good change to your life. You work a second job. Gross but worth it, trust me, because you break up with your guy for a year. That's a bad year for you mentally so be prepared to listen to emo music almost every day.
You get back together with your boyfriend after a mutual friend encourages it. It changes you for the better and you're really happy. In two years, you're engaged and living in a house with just the two of you, with a job that keeps you afloat. And hey, you even have your driver's license and a car. How cool is that?
Let me wrap this up for you. Mom's addiction isn't yours. What happens will stay in a corner of your brain, haunting you and you'll always ask why. Why did I have to go through the therapy? Why did I quit eating for so long? Why for everything. Even though you wish you could go back in time to try and fix it, you know that you don't want to because you won't have all of the great times that happened after. They're worth it.
Besides that, you're stronger than you think. Keep going.
Sincerely,
You're Twenty-three year old self.
P.S.
You still haven't broken anything so that's good.
